BYRD on the daily 💙

 Days two and three a bit of a blur, so I will put them together. Day two : We spent this day mostly crying. My face was beyond puffy, we just held eachother and cried, we spent some time with family, My sweet sister Alissa took my kids so they didnt have to feel the weight that we couldnt hide, we made plans for the next week so that I could be at the hospital. My best friends, Stephanie and Tracy stepped up to help, emotional support, food, and so much more. I really couldnt function, it was just fear and tears.  Ryan forced some really painful topics, what if he didnt make it? What is the future? Life after him? paperwork. We needed to have these talks, but it was so painful for us both. He talked about missing Bridger learn how to drive, date, marry, grow up. He talked about missing Addison and Brooklyn and Ava getting married and him not walking them down the isle, missing the father daughter dance. He talked about Boston and Ave not remembering him. He talked about my future. It

 Day Nine. I am grateful to have another day, but I cannot help feel that each new days means I have one day less. I hate that. I hate so much today, I hate the pain Ryan is in. I hate he cannot sleep. I hate how I dont get the full life with him. I hate that my kids are scared. I hate that this really isn't a dream. I hate that this is reality. I hate he cannot sleep well. I hate the doctors didn't give good enough pain meds to even help him. I hate he feels so frustrated. I hate I feel like if I smile or laugh its wrong. I hate that when people ask what they can do I just dont know what to say. I hate that "Thank you" just isn't enough. I hate the stories of others that beat it, when its not the same situation at all. I hate that I hate things.  When Ryan and I got married, I told him I wanted to go shopping together to find our first home decoration. So we did, we picked a large sign to hang in our room, we felt it depicted the kind of life we would have togeth