Day Two and Three

 Days two and three a bit of a blur, so I will put them together.

Day two : We spent this day mostly crying. My face was beyond puffy, we just held eachother and cried, we spent some time with family, My sweet sister Alissa took my kids so they didnt have to feel the weight that we couldnt hide, we made plans for the next week so that I could be at the hospital. My best friends, Stephanie and Tracy stepped up to help, emotional support, food, and so much more. I really couldnt function, it was just fear and tears. 

Ryan forced some really painful topics, what if he didnt make it? What is the future? Life after him? paperwork. We needed to have these talks, but it was so painful for us both. He talked about missing Bridger learn how to drive, date, marry, grow up. He talked about missing Addison and Brooklyn and Ava getting married and him not walking them down the isle, missing the father daughter dance. He talked about Boston and Ave not remembering him. He talked about my future. It was heart wrenching to see his devastation at knowing he will miss out on so much.  He sang to me softly our song. 

I wanted to be strong, but it was too hard. So my strong amazing husband held me and we cried together. 

Day Three: Waking up we felt the weight of this day. It was hard to get out of bed, we layed there crying. Ryan shared his fears with me. Fear of the pain. Fear of death. Fear of not enough time. Fear of forgetting. Fear of not being himself. Fear of putting me out. Fear, just so much Fear that I could relate with. 

This is the day we were going to the Emergancy room. We were checking him in, getting tests and prepping for surgery the next morning.  

Before we left Ryan took some time to hug each child, we took some pictures together, and I handed off my life to my Sister Amy.   On the drive we were coming up to the hospital and Ryan said " shall we have one last meal? I always wondered what I would have, but not I dont know what I want" We drove until he could decide, we ended up at Wingers. He ordered a salad for us to share and we both just stared at it, hardly eating and just crying. Following we headed to the hospital.

Checking in and getting situated was not as long as I had thought it would take. They needed to put in his IV line 3 times on one arm, he hated that. Our nurse was very kind, she teared up several times, knowing what we were going to experiance. Ryan also had to get a Covid test-the up the nose and into your soul kind. He said it was by far the worst test ever. With the immense swelling he already had in his head it was brutal.

Once all the tests were done we just had to wait for the morning. They told us to plan on between 6 and 7 am. I layed next to him on his crappy hospital bed and we cried, and he made me laugh. We joked, because if you know Ry you know this is how he copes with .... EVERYTHING- its one of the things I love about him. He is crazy funny. We didnt sleep much, we spent time making notes for our kids and sharing our favorite memories of our life together. It was beautiful and painful. We could only dread the next day. 

I dont feel ready to post that today. I'll post day four another day. My heart hurts. My eyes are stinging with constant tears. And I just want to lay by my love.

*I have not included every person who helped us or loved us. I am sorry, please dont be offended. Understand we appreciate all that was done for us and is currently being done. Thanks