I have no idea what day it is?

 I think I have been dragging my feet getting back into writing, I have tried to figure out why that is and I came up with a few reasons:

1. As Ryan is doing well I keep having the thoughts that maybe I was right, maybe this isn't really happening. Maybe he wont die, maybe he will break the cancer cycle.. Maybe this is denial?

2. If I push aside my denial it just hurts. It still hurts so much. It hurts to write it down, to put to paper what is happening, this may just burst my denial bubble. 

3. I am busy, school is going again and my driving schedule is crazy and I seem to be able to convince myself quite easily that this doesn't matter, no one cares, no one reads this. 

But today I have decided maybe I will want to read it, so for me here I go.

We are in the fourth month of Ryan's 6 months of oral chemo, it has been hard. He is coping well with the medicine and frequently I have people tell me and him how great he looks and how he just seems like the 'old' Ryan. For me his isn't. But he is getting closer the MY Ryan. I know its hard for anyone who isnt me to see what I mean, so I cannot really rely on anyone else to understand or to remind me later of what is going on so I am going to list some things that I have struggled with, things that have hurt my heart and made me grieve more than before. 

Taste: This may seem dumb but food is a big part of Ryan, he has always loved sweets and I have spent many years working on making some really delicious treats that he really enjoyed, food was a way into his heart so watching him eat something I made and his head tilting back and his eyes closing as the tasted something he loved and then wanting more was something I always wanted to do. It became therapeutic for me to bake and fully satisfying to see him enjoy it. GONE. Everything has been too sweet or too sour or he just couldn't stomach it. THAT SUCKED. I felt like I had something special taken from me and I was at a loss at what I could do for him, silly maybe but I felt lost. This is getting better slowly and I have hope that it will all come back at some point. 

Banter: I am a feisty woman, I know this. Ryan and I love each other very much but that doesn't mean that we didn't argue and talk out just about EVERYTHING, he or I would have a thought and we would challenge it either because one of us had a better idea or we just wanted to understand how the idea was formulated, we would go back and forth until we understood each other and could move on, but now... He has no fight, no desire to talk it out or fight for what he things, instead it became him just agreeing with what I said.. and as much as I thought I would love if he always agreed with me it turns out I really don't. 

Energy: Well lets just say he doesn't have much, he tires very quickly and frequently I cannot find him because he went back to bed or is hiding to sleep in a kids room lol, I have been adapting to the knowledge that If I want something done, I cannot ask him to do it I just have to get it together and make it happen. Its just hard, I am not alone but I also don't have the help I used to have. 

I have other things but I don't want to dwell or fall down this rabbit hole of nit-pickiness. 

Ryan is amazing, he has handled this all so well, we both still break and cry sometimes, he is more tender hearted towards others with and without cancer we both are. Everyone has heartache, Everyone has things that are hard. We both wish we could help others more than we do. 

But through it all he smiles, he helps strangers when he is already tired. He takes time to tell the kids bedtime stories or play video games with them. Even as I am writing this he is sitting on the floor with our two youngest putting together floor puzzles. I am proud of him, he is fighting for us, for our whole family really. 

I haven't processed this well. Not at all. I think its breaking my body down. I have had 2 mild strokes, migraines, sciatica pains and lots of dizziness. Denial isn't helping as much as I had hoped. 

My heart hurts. I am afraid of the future. I need to find a cancer spouse support group... is that even a thing? I feel selfish. I don't have cancer but I feel like It may kill me too. Being strong is hard, there isn't anything anyone can do for me. It really is just the worst.