Day six

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Today I can't breathe. Today I keep checking to make sure my heart is beating. 

The man of my dreams, the love of my life is in so much pain. I can't take any of it from him, but I wish I could. I wish it was me. I don't know if I can physically or emotionally survive without him. 

 It's early, I don't really sleep. Usually my sweet husband would hold me and Whisper how he loves me and help me sleep, but not now. Not today. Today is the sixth day. 

I just want to survive today. 
Six days ago we found out my Ryan had a brain tumor. 
Six days since we were told emergency surgery was necessary 
Six days since I was told our life together had an expiration date. 
Six days since I was told I would be a Widow at 35. 
Six days since I found out my 5 young children would grow up without the best dad. 
Six days of pain. 
Six days of sobs. 
Six days of denial, because this can't be real. 
Six days of fear. 

And now I need to push aside my grief put it on pause. I never want to forget. So I'll start on day one of this nightmare and and document what had happened. On the hardest days I may break and need to vent my fears. Sometimes I'll just share memories of our terrific love, great adventures and our family. Ryan my love deserves immortality. Never to be forgotten. It will be my job to continue his story. Today is day six.

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