Day Nine.

 Day Nine. I am grateful to have another day, but I cannot help feel that each new days means I have one day less. I hate that. I hate so much today, I hate the pain Ryan is in. I hate he cannot sleep. I hate how I dont get the full life with him. I hate that my kids are scared. I hate that this really isn't a dream. I hate that this is reality. I hate he cannot sleep well. I hate the doctors didn't give good enough pain meds to even help him. I hate he feels so frustrated. I hate I feel like if I smile or laugh its wrong. I hate that when people ask what they can do I just dont know what to say. I hate that "Thank you" just isn't enough. I hate the stories of others that beat it, when its not the same situation at all. I hate that I hate things. 

When Ryan and I got married, I told him I wanted to go shopping together to find our first home decoration. So we did, we picked a large sign to hang in our room, we felt it depicted the kind of life we would have together, that we would always choose each other, that through thick and thin. We were each others person. The sign says " Where you go, I will go. And where you stay, I will stay". These words are in repeat in my head all the time. He is mine and I am his. But how do I go when he goes, How does he stay with me? These thoughts break me. And I hate that too. 

Addison told me that a kid at school told her, that her mother saw my post on Facebook and that she knew that Addison's dad was going to die. We are trying to focus on the fact he is still here, we want our kids to love today not fear tomorrow. This conversation with Addie was the first time I regretted sharing our life, news online. Why would any other adults share such wrenching information with my child's peer? I REALLY HATE THAT.

The anger at this whole situation is almost debilitating. I don't usually function with this much anger. Ryan has always made laugh and shake things off. Not now. I have been told its a stage of grief. Well I hate that too.

I feel cold constantly. Its like even my internal temp is angry. My blood refuses to pump properly to heat my body, what the heck is that? I once read a book about a woman who lost her husband at a young age and she followed shortly from heart break. I thought it was kinda crazy, not now. I can feel it. I can feel the desire to just give up. I wont. I wont do that to my children. I wont do that to my husband. We worked for this life together, and I will fight along side of him. 

This is a bummer post. I know that. I don't really know if anyone reads this. That's OK. I know there is nothing to say. I feel that too. Day Ten will come, but i'm OK if it takes its time getting here.