Day Eight

I am later than normal making this post. We were able to come home last night, a blessing and a bit of a curse. I am happy to be home, with our kids and with family. Ryan is miserable, which isn't surprising but hard to see. I cannot ease his pain. He is struggling to say what he wants in a why that I can fully understand. It breaks my heart every time. Though his agony he will say "I need to be aligned, I just cant" to me I think 'oh he need to readjust he isn't comfortable', but I am always wrong. Sometimes he will stay with me long enough to decipher what the problem is, and other times he shuts down, gets mad at me and says never mind, its ok. Today the alignment meant "I want socks and a drink". Its so strange to see my brilliant husband struggle with something he was a master at 'communication'. When he gets frustrated and shuts down I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not doing well enough. It hurts, It hurts so much I want to fall into my own deep hole of sadness and drown there. We are both doing our own internal fighting I suppose. 

The kids are happy we are back, but we aren't really. Ryan wants to see them but they aren't quiet and he still cannot put on glasses and even see them. So they say I love you's and go out. Ryan asks me to 'open the cards or hold the paper' meaning read to him. So I picked a favorite book and read until I hear the blessed sounds of his light snoring. I love that sound. It means he isn't in pain. 

 We are worried about the possibilities of seizures, heart attach, stroke and clots. My 37 Year old husband. Geez I hate this so much. I have a lot of support, so much that I feel like I can never repay the kindness of others. I know the bills will start rolling in, I am terrified. We don't have great insurance, we don't have much saved. People have donated to our family. I cry every time I see something come in, Money, food, cards, blankets, baskets and so much more. I am so grateful. This burden is so heavy. And the kindness of others has helped me have hope. Thank you. 

My sister lives in Cali, Amy. How would I have ever survived this last week with out her? Simply I couldn't have. She has taken on my life, making sure my kids are happy and taken care of. How can I ever repay this? How Will I ever survive when she needs to go? All of my family and friends have been amazing. But her sacrifice for me.. Do I even deserve that kind of kindness? She has helped remind me that Its ok to lean on others, to say yes to offers of kindness, to shelf my independence and let others love us. Its hard. I owe her everything. I will never forget. 

Today we are going to try and get Ryan up, It will hurt I know it will. I don't want the pain to stop the progress. I hate knowing I have to push him to move, To endure the pain more then not moving. We made it to the next week. We made it to day Eight. Now we just need to make it to tomorrow. Nine we need to make it to Nine. 

 I feel angry. I feel pain. I feel sorrow. But today I am going to try for hope. Hope we can get though his pain. Hope we can work on his bucket list soon. Hope to make plans. Hope we can communicate easier. Hope I can crack the "Ryan code". Hope.