Day One

 I have decided to write a little of each day, so this is day one. More happened but I don't have the strength right now to write it all down. I am broken.  As my tears stream down my face as I type this out, I know I cannot write it all. I will do my best for today. Tomorrow I will try to write more.

Day One.

We know he has a tumor. It is easy to get out we dont know. We have hope that its not that bad. He got an MRI a day ago and as we drove the 20 minutes home we joked. We made comments that it was probably nothing, we always laugh that when ever I have gone to the Dr for anything it always comes down to "lose weight' so we laugh. That is what we do. Always. We laugh. But before we could even pull onto our driveway the Dr. called. 'You need to see a neurosurgeon, it looks bad. I am sorry to tell you this'.  We feel scared, we both cry. Kids go to school and we just cry. We both try to go about our day, but how? How do we just function. Finally we get an appointment for Friday, February 19th 2021 12:30 pm. To say we were worried was an understatement. As we waited to see the Dr. Ryan took my hand and said "baby, this will be OK. I love you" I just cried. 

We walked into the room and minutes later the Dr. entered, " I looked over your scan, and you have a large 2"X 2.5" Tumor on your left frontal lobe. I believe it is a Glioblastoma" With tears streaming down my face I ask " What does that mean" He says " Its a fast growing, cancerous tumor, There is no cure. We can give you TIME if we have surgery and Ryan undergoes Chemo and Radiation" How much time? I couldn't believe what he was saying, I kept saying "This isn't real. This isn't happening. No. NO." So when the Dr. said " If we do nothing. maybe 4 to 5 months. with treatment 1-2 years depending on how advanced it looks when we get in there"   

I can honestly say this was the worst conversation, the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life. How. How is this happening. How did my life with my love get so cut short. They are wrong. They have to be. I felt like the world was running out of oxygen. I sobbed. I looked to my sweet husband and he said "I am so sorry, This isn't what you signed up for" As we both held each other and sobbed. we cried for the news. We cried for the limited time. We cried for our children. We have 5 Children. oldest is 12, then 8,7,4,3. How could this happen. I need my Ryan. Our kids need their dad. The crazy thoughts that ran through my mind were all over the place.  From; I will be a Widow before I turn 37. My husband wont see 40. He will miss so much. so freaking much. Its not fair. Overwhelmingly I thought "No this is a mistake"

We reached out to family to share the news that Ryan was going to have to be admitted into the hospital on Sunday the 21st. My sister offered to come help with my kids, she was coming from Cali. I felt relief for a minute , then the waves of horror, shock, fear, doubt, sadness, pain, and so much more constantly slammed into me. Day one didn't last long enough. I needed each day to feel more, last longer. But day two came.