Day seven

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Day seven. How did this happen? I have spent so much time thinking about that. The Dr said Ryan's 2"x2.5" glioblastoma most likely grew within 1 to 2 months, I wanted to call him a liar, I just shook my head,no. This isn't happening, my Ryan is 37. Healthy. Active. Smart. Kind. Helpful. Funny. Sweet. Overly thoughtful. Father. Husband. Best friend. Strong. Silly. Gentle. And so much more. No this can't be happening. But it is. This nightmare is real. So how did this happen? No one knows. And hearing that sucks. There is no reason. No explanation I can give my 12 year old son. My love just got it. I have found out how only 3 out of 100,000 get this, with the median age being 65.. 65, what I would do to have him until then, ANYTHING. Statistics bring no peace, give no answers. His pain has increased, he keeps apologizing to me, "sorry babe, it's so bad so heavy, I'm sorry, it hurts so bad" all I can say is "I know love, you don't need to be sorry, you are so strong. I love you so much" he usually says "OK, love you" it breaks me. I feel selfish. Sometimes I think my heart is vibrating in pain. I don't really eat. I don't drink much. Just 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night. It's hard to live. And even saying that feels selfish to make anything about me. But... I want more time with my love. I cry Alot, but I try not to let him see it, quiet sobs are hard, any noise and he asks "babe, you ok?" I keep trying to answer its OK to reassure him, but he knows. We don't keep secrets, we have always been an open book to each other. Due to his swelling he can't wear his glasses, but he knows me. I cannot hide it well enough. We hope to go home today, we finally left the ICU, we are in a recovery room now. All the nurses have been so kind, some have cried with me. Most just apologize for our situation. I have insisted that I bathe him, help him use the toilet, massage his legs, get him ice packs, feed him, read to him, remind him of some adventures we have had, reassure him, I love him! He holds my heart together, what I'm doing isn't enough. Can I survive ever without him? Today on day seven that answer is NO. This fight continues. We will survive until tomorrow. As Ryan keeps saying "it's OK, it hurts but it's ok". We made it to day seven. *3am-from my cell phone

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