Day Ten

 Its morning on day Ten. Yesterday I said I hated so much and that is true, but after I wrote it out, I started to find things that gave me hope. That reminded me to be grateful. So in an effort to become more positive I wanted to mention them today. 

While I feel the weight still and the tug of tears and sorrow I also feel so much more. Its crazy that I can feel so many feelings at once, they feel like a contradiction to feel hope and sorrow, to feel happy and sad, grateful and angry, Tired and sleepless. I dont thing we spend much time processing life, we just live it. Sometimes I just do things, shelf the feelings and move on. Now I can feel the weight on the shelves, the tug towards depression, so to remind myself of the good and to share it here we go. 

Each day I ask Ryan if he wants to get up, each day he says no. So we take care of everything from bed, I feed him there, clean him there, help him with bathroom needs there, give him his meds there, massage his legs there.  Slowly I have gotten him up a little bit (With complaint) each day. Yesterday I got him on the toilet and said hey were right by the shower, how about we give that a try? and too my shock he agreed! So thanks to my dad for getting us a shower chair I was able to help my love shower, This seems like it shouldnt be a big deal, but its huge.  After I towled him and got him dressed, I was helping him walk back to the bed, he stopped when he felt dizzy and asked me " do YOU need anything" trying to keep things light i said " not unless you want to dance" he gave a small smile gripped both my hands and said " Just a small sway" and he swayed from side to side. This sweet man. I couldnt help the sob that left me, I could feel my Ryan giving me his love. I am so grateful for this moment.

Later I was able to get him to sit in a recliner and we were able to get his glasses on so they didnt hurt. He hasnt been able to see since monday morning. I am so grateful.

Both of these things gave me a taste of his healing, a taste that we may be able to work on those 'bucket items'. I feel Hope. I dont have a hope of the forever I should have had. But hope, that we can have his forever. We have some time. not enough but some. I'll take it.

Yesterday to allow my love to rest, my brother Shawn took my 2 boys to do "boy stuff". I didnt know what that meant, but he and his wife sent me pictures of the fun they had, what a relief to see my boys being loved. I worry about my 12 year old. He is smart and loves his dad so much. I know he is trying to be brave but it hurts. I am grateful my brother could show them love.

My girls went to my brothers Dustins house, I know he and his wife have loved them. Helped them feel they had family and cousins to be with. While they dont feel this as heavy, I know they will. I fear the day when the weight reaches them. I am grateful for the love they have felt this weekend.

Ryans brother Kyle has been with me and Ryan a lot, in the hospital he was the only other person allowed in. He has helped me feel supported, he has cried with me, smiled with me, reminded me to have hope, and has lifed some weight off of me, helping give informaiton, run errands. I am grateful.

I have recieved offers of help from my parents, siblings, friends, family, neighbors, people I dont know but know my husband, and even some that we dont know but have felt for me. I am grateful.

Today is day Ten. And as my husband softly snores next to me,   I am GRATEFUL.