Day Eleven

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 Day Eleven. Its strange to feel like I am stuck. I love seeing Ryan get stronger and he is! It feels a bit fake, and by that I mean seeing him do better but also knowing in the back of my mind that this isn't a "forever" kind of better. Living in that is the worst. 

I tell myself to just look at today. So today looks good. Home health came out and checked on him and told me he is looking great, and going the right direction. (how much does she know? Is she looking at today too? sigh) Today he got up, took a shower and moved to sleep in a recliner. Today he wore glasses and mentioned maybe playing cards later. Today he teased me. I loved it. I loved that he thought to tease me, that he is fighting to come back and remember. 

My kids are loving the time with family. Enjoying the feel of being wanted and cared for by others. It has been nice to see so many reach out to us and lift us out of the muck. 

I cannot express enough how hard it is to hear the other comparisons of others loved ones and how they overcame the odds and lived. How they beat cancer. How a brain tumor was removed and so and so survived. I am happy for those who beat the odds, who endure hardship and overcome. But for us, for me hearing this hurts. We will be going to see his oncologist and radiologist this week. We are fighting as well, but we don't have the luxury of thinking we can beat this. This isn't something we can overcome. We have no illusion of a CURE. We are fighting for Time. Time. What a depressing outlook or thing to focus on. I try not to, but is lying to myself something that will help me? I don't think so.

I hope that one day I can look back and see this different. I hope that against all odds, I will wake up and have my husband by my side happy and healthy and all of this was just a nightmare.  I hope to hear about others and feel joy for them and not the pain it spikes in my heart that this isn't the same. Each situation is different. Everyone has a different journey. I will never hear about someone else's pain and feel so numb to them. I will hurt for them too. Now I can relate on a small level. 

We aren't done writing our story together.  I know we have some precious time, so we want to live. Ryan and I are looking for 'Bucket List' ideas, that are worth it. If you have a suggestion please comment it. I am ready to start planning some happy times. 

Thank you all for the love and support you continue to give. If you are going through a rough time I am sorry, Please know I never have the intention of dismissing or diminishing anyone's struggles or experiences. Only love here. 

Comments

  1. JulieMarch 1, 2021 at 3:53 PM

    All-inclusive in Mexico with your kids...you can sit on the beach and enjoy watching them play in the sand or at the pool. Trip to Europe where his family is from...Netherlands?...with the kids and lots and lots of pictures. Hawaii. Rent an RV and drive across the country. Get a VRBO/AirBNB somewhere in the country that is within driving distance of lots of fun places to visit...stay for a couple weeks...maybe near Niagra Falls would be fun...lots of things to see there. I am thankful for day 11.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ShanellMarch 1, 2021 at 5:43 PM

      I love those suggestions! Thanks so much! 💙💙💙👏👏

      Delete
  2. Debbie WatsonMarch 2, 2021 at 8:41 AM

    Thank you so much for the daily updates. You and Ryan are in our prayers everyday! Give Ryan a big hug from the Watson's and Derek.

    ReplyDelete

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