Day Forty-One

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Another day has come and gone! I feel tired and my back pain is getting worse. Ryan is doing great, he is fighting to get up and try and function each day and today it went mostly well.

We had his oncology appointment today and we were given the 'plan' it is as follows: 

*We finish Radiation and this round of Chemo on the 26th of April (2021). 

*We will get 4 weeks off of everything.

*Get an MRI and meet with the Oncologist again

*Begin 6 months of Chemotherapy, 5 days a month of a higher dose. 

*Blood draws every month to watch for decreased white blood cells and keep an eye on his platelets.

*Another MRI to see how it is going.

*Hopefully there is no growth and we can take a while off and just get an MRI every 2 to 4 months.

I am happy to see the plan, the unknowns are so hard for me. How do you plan anything when you know nothing? And I want to make plans, I want us to start living and enjoying what time we get as we continue to fight for more time.

Ryan goes back and forth on what he wants to do, mostly he just wants to relax and see beautiful things, so maybe a week in Cali with my sister and visiting the beach will need to be at the top of the list. 

I have noticed I have been draining those I have relied on, in my quest to not feel like I am drowning I think I am sucking others into the muck. I feel awful about this. 

I have been told I am strong.. I don't think so, I think I am just leaching off others, that isn't strength that is just wrong. I don't know what to do, how to fix this. I am not looking to take advantage of anyone. This isn't easy for me but does that make it ok to make someone pick up my slack? I don't think so, I will be racking my mind on how I can make a change, to really be strong and carry my own burdens. This is my life now, it isn't changing anytime soon. Time to figure out how to do this alone, because really this is my lot and its not fair to push it off on anyone. Game-plan time.

(Disclaimer: I am not looking for anyone to contradict my personal feelings or fix anything, questions just reflect my personal thoughts. This is my journal/diary) *This applies to my entire Blog.

Comments

  1. JulieApril 1, 2021 at 10:16 PM

    I think you are strong and I think you need to lean on others.... Both of them. You are figuring things out and learning every day. You are amazing. I love you!

    ReplyDelete

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