Day Nineteen

 Nineteen days or two weeks and one day since Ryan had surgery on his brain. It feels like this nightmare that we cannot wake up from. I want to be OK, I want to feel light and easy going; not a care in the world. I envy my young children that don't understand or feel this weight.

I am falling behind. I know I am not doing all that I need to. I get emails from school teachers concerning my child/ren not doing this or that and its so hard to have the drive to even care. I know that is wrong, I just feel like a fish out of water gasping for breath. And home reading or projects feel like a waste of effort. I need to find a way to be better. A way to fill my lungs and go on. But how?

I have had so much help with my children, entertaining them and driving them around. Have I forgotten how to do this or has my brain just suffered a short and I am having a hard time catching up, I hope I can get it together soon. 

I have been beyond overwhelmed with the kindness of others. People who really don't even know me have shown me so much love and support. I am so grateful. All I can do is say Thank you and cry, I feel like its just not enough. I know I have said that before but seriously Thank you is too causal to fully encapsulate how much it really means to me. So please know that your kindness towards us in any capacity is beyond a thank you but know you have impacted our lives and hearts and I know I will never forget. 

I have been looking into what stage of grief I am in and I think I am a bit of each. I cannot believe this is happening (denial). I am angry that this is happening (anger). I would do anything to fix it or trade it out (bargaining). I feel a weight in life, everything feels heavy and a bit more grey then usual (budding depression). I also to a degree accept this is happening (acceptance). How can I be all of them. No wonder I feel so lost.

I do my best to put on a good face. To try and smile and go about life like normal. Maybe my poker face is going to get better. People ask me " how are you doing?" or "what can I do for you?"  I usually say " we are hanging in there" and we are. but what I want to say is " I am dying inside, its hard to focus, I'm hurting, I dread the future, I am fighting back the tears (I don't always succeed)"  or "I don't know what you can do. I cannot think about how you can help me, I cant think how I can help me". This is hard. There isn't anything to be said that can take away my feelings. I appreciate those who have reached out and understand that if I don't respond its not a personal attack on you. I just am tapped out. 

I needed to write out my feelings today, I am hoping to move past them and this is my attempt at doing so. Will it work? I don't know. My life is full of I DON'T Knows.