Day Seventeen

 Keeping this up every day is a bit more effort than I was expecting. In the beginning it felt like there was so much going on all the time and my heart couldn't handle it all at one time, now as things feel more normal its hard to reconcile all that is coming and even all that we know now. 

Ryan is putting up more resistance to all the things I want to do in hopes of getting the most possible time. Today he told me " you are planning my demise aren't you" Now my husband meant this as perhaps a light joke or a silly comment I think, I couldn't help the pang in my chest and the hurt I felt. I most likely will never tell him how this made me feel. Every moment I worry about him, I want him to be comfortable, safe, in less pain, happy and healthy. I worry about him over doing things, not getting enough sleep and so on. So him saying that to me hurt. It hurt so much.

There is some adjusting to his lack of memory or his little changes in behavior, I have jokingly said when he had surgery they cut out his obedience to me lol. We have always been pretty good at communication. We tell each other everything and work things out pretty quick. Throw in brain surgery and it all changes. Now I feel like I need to keep it in, hold in my frustrations and hurt, of course Ryan can tell, my poker face is pretty terrible. He keeps asking if I am mad at him? No i'm not Mad. How often do we confuse those two? Mad vs Hurt? It seems this is a new challenge for us.

Do you ever feel like there is so much going on and that needs to be done, conversations that need to be had and yet you just cannot seem to have the talks or do those things that need to get done? Does that even make sense? My motivation to get things done seems to be stalling out. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow I will have the energy to make all the calls I need to make. Maybe tomorrow I will not feel like I am trying to fake it. Maybe on day Eighteen things will feel clearer. Fingers crossed.