Day Sixteen

-

 Today has felt mostly like a normal day. We had company, Got some things done around the house. Ryan took a nap and has felt terrible, but that is becoming part of the normal as well.

We have been trying to look more to the future, wanting to make some plans and live our life. Yellowstone, the beach, road trips just to start. We just need to make it through our first round of Chemo and Radiation. We can do that.

I have been reflecting on other struggles we have had, times in our marriage that we felt like we maybe couldn't make it. Times we thought we couldn't handle more and yet we did. Times we didn't have a place to call home, or we couldn't pay our bills, or we didn't feel like we had friends or family we could turn to, fertility struggles, miscarriages, etc. Life can be so hard and then in a blink of an eye it can change. We will trudge through the hard days and get to the better ones. 

I am having a hard time knowing what to write today, the kids are staying with family this weekend and having a great time. All visitors have left and its quiet. I feel calm and relaxed, I usually have a mix of emotions but right now its all OK. Ryan has been saying "its OK" over and over since surgery. If I don't understand something he is trying to tell me, or feels frustrated he just says "it's OK" and we move on. Many times I said back no its not OK just try to tell me. But tonight it really is OK.

So instead of trying to find something to say I am going to stop writing and just be with my husband while its all OK. Finding the moments of peace and holding on to them is sometimes just as hard and working through the hard times. So goodnight, I'm going to hold on for tonight.

Comments

  1. Jenna B.March 6, 2021 at 7:32 PM

    Love you. Life really does change in the blink of an eye in ways we never expect. I think about you and Ryan and your babies every day. I love you. I try to come up with something better to say but right now it’s all I can put to words. ��

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I have no idea what day it is?

-
 I think I have been dragging my feet getting back into writing, I have tried to figure out why that is and I came up with a few reasons: 1. As Ryan is doing well I keep having the thoughts that maybe I was right, maybe this isn't really happening. Maybe he wont die, maybe he will break the cancer cycle.. Maybe this is denial? 2. If I push aside my denial it just hurts. It still hurts so much. It hurts to write it down, to put to paper what is happening, this may just burst my denial bubble.  3. I am busy, school is going again and my driving schedule is crazy and I seem to be able to convince myself quite easily that this doesn't matter, no one cares, no one reads this.  But today I have decided maybe I will want to read it, so for me here I go. We are in the fourth month of Ryan's 6 months of oral chemo, it has been hard. He is coping well with the medicine and frequently I have people tell me and him how great he looks and how he just seems like the 'old' Ryan. F
Read more

Sixty-Four

-
 So many times I just stare at the screen with so much going through my mind and no way to determine where to start or if I should even write what I am thinking, today I am going for it! I am not ok. I don't feel ok. I don't like to pretend that I am ok. Normal isn't the same for me anymore, I thought life last year during the major hit of Covid was the worst, news-flash this is much worse. I am getting 'normal' figured out slowly but surely.  Ryan says 'My Apologies' all the time and never really did before his surgery and finally I about exploded! Either say 'sorry' or don't, but 'my apologies' feels insincere and like he is getting ready to actually give me an apology that never seems to come. So of course I freaked out at him about it, not relenting in my emotional outburst, however following my little freak out I felt immense guilt for a solid 48 hours 😩. Even though we worked out my issue right away it was still hard and between yo
Read more

Day six

-
Today I can't breathe. Today I keep checking to make sure my heart is beating.  The man of my dreams, the love of my life is in so much pain. I can't take any of it from him, but I wish I could. I wish it was me. I don't know if I can physically or emotionally survive without him.   It's early, I don't really sleep. Usually my sweet husband would hold me and Whisper how he loves me and help me sleep, but not now. Not today. Today is the sixth day.  I just want to survive today.  Six days ago we found out my Ryan had a brain tumor.  Six days since we were told emergency surgery was necessary  Six days since I was told our life together had an expiration date.  Six days since I was told I would be a Widow at 35.  Six days since I found out my 5 young children would grow up without the best dad.  Six days of pain.  Six days of sobs.  Six days of denial, because this can't be real.  Six days of fear.  And now I need to push aside my grief put it on pause. I never
Read more