Day Thirteen

-

 Day Thirteen- Life feels so strange. Ryan is doing so much better, his pain is getting less each day, he is wincing less with each movement, he is getting up more, laughing a bit and we even watched a movie together last night. It feels normal. But also not. I feels like all our happiness and good moments have a shadow over them. how long do we get these moments? Once someone gives you a limit of time or an expiration date everything changes. 

My life and every moment now has a different perspective. I appreciate all the little things more than ever such as:

Every wink from Ryan, Each time he reaches for my hand, pulls me in for a hug, cups my face, when he rubs my back, tells me he loves me, teases me, Smiles, laughs, hugs each child, pets the dogs, Sounds he makes when he eats (ones I used to hate), Soft snores, just the sound of him breathing, and so much more.

I have been told for so many years 'you never know how much time you get' oh how true that is. Also so depressing. I try to find the good in life even though it is hard, I am so grateful for some time. We had our meeting with the Oncologist and since then, we have worried that we wouldn't be able to have time to make memories, time to just be with each other outside of the agony that is awaiting us. I guess I will have to become more creative.  Ryan is still living, we still have time. I need to find a way to push that cloud away, to stop that shadow that seems to linger over out happiness. Just a day at a time. 

Last night Brooklyn came in to read to Ryan, she was worried she wasn't going to read him something he would like to hear, I loved seeing my loving husband soothe her and tell her anything she read he would love. He just wanted to hear her voice. My heart just about exploded seeing his love for her. 

2020 was a hard year, 2021 is worse for us, but I have been so overwhelmed by the kindness of those we know and those we don't. I hope to be better, I hope to be able to show love and kindness to others. Everyone has something going on. So lets just be Kind. Ryan used to tease me when we would be driving and someone would cut us off and I always just make up an excuse for them like "Maybe they just got a call from the hospital" "Maybe its an emergency" "Maybe its just a bad day", he would shake his head and say "probably not but I guess maybe". Everyone could use a break. I know I will never be the same after this, I just hope I end up better.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I have no idea what day it is?

-
 I think I have been dragging my feet getting back into writing, I have tried to figure out why that is and I came up with a few reasons: 1. As Ryan is doing well I keep having the thoughts that maybe I was right, maybe this isn't really happening. Maybe he wont die, maybe he will break the cancer cycle.. Maybe this is denial? 2. If I push aside my denial it just hurts. It still hurts so much. It hurts to write it down, to put to paper what is happening, this may just burst my denial bubble.  3. I am busy, school is going again and my driving schedule is crazy and I seem to be able to convince myself quite easily that this doesn't matter, no one cares, no one reads this.  But today I have decided maybe I will want to read it, so for me here I go. We are in the fourth month of Ryan's 6 months of oral chemo, it has been hard. He is coping well with the medicine and frequently I have people tell me and him how great he looks and how he just seems like the 'old' Ryan. F...
Read more

Day six

-
Today I can't breathe. Today I keep checking to make sure my heart is beating.  The man of my dreams, the love of my life is in so much pain. I can't take any of it from him, but I wish I could. I wish it was me. I don't know if I can physically or emotionally survive without him.   It's early, I don't really sleep. Usually my sweet husband would hold me and Whisper how he loves me and help me sleep, but not now. Not today. Today is the sixth day.  I just want to survive today.  Six days ago we found out my Ryan had a brain tumor.  Six days since we were told emergency surgery was necessary  Six days since I was told our life together had an expiration date.  Six days since I was told I would be a Widow at 35.  Six days since I found out my 5 young children would grow up without the best dad.  Six days of pain.  Six days of sobs.  Six days of denial, because this can't be real.  Six days of fear.  And now I need to ...
Read more

Sixty-Four

-
 So many times I just stare at the screen with so much going through my mind and no way to determine where to start or if I should even write what I am thinking, today I am going for it! I am not ok. I don't feel ok. I don't like to pretend that I am ok. Normal isn't the same for me anymore, I thought life last year during the major hit of Covid was the worst, news-flash this is much worse. I am getting 'normal' figured out slowly but surely.  Ryan says 'My Apologies' all the time and never really did before his surgery and finally I about exploded! Either say 'sorry' or don't, but 'my apologies' feels insincere and like he is getting ready to actually give me an apology that never seems to come. So of course I freaked out at him about it, not relenting in my emotional outburst, however following my little freak out I felt immense guilt for a solid 48 hours 😩. Even though we worked out my issue right away it was still hard and between yo...
Read more