Day Thirty-Four

Am I broken? My youngest is having dental work done under anesthesia right now and I'm in the waiting room. My heart is pounding and tears keep streaming down my face, I feel like I'm having flash backs to waiting for Ryan. I know that is crazy right? I might be in the early stages of a panic attack. It's hard to breathe.

I didn't do a proper post on what it was like waiting for Ryan's surgery to be done. Ryan's brother Kyle waited with me, due to covid-19 I wasn't allowed more, they took Ryan at about 7 am and ushered us to the waiting room, we were told it would take 3 to 4 hours and the waiting was excruciating. I couldn't eat or drink most of the whole time we were in the hospital, I just couldn't. We waited and waited and when the time hit 4 hours every minute more felt eternal and I felt more and more panic with every one, 27 minutes later we were told he was in recovery, I cried with relief he made it through. 

We were then ushered up to the ICU where Ryan was still trying to come out of it, he didn't recognize me he thought it was 2006. A little later he upgraded me to being his girlfriend and Kyle was... Covid lol. He was miserable and in so much pain. His hair was crusted with blood, face swollen and covered in sweat, and so many IV's hooked up as the nurse pushed so many medications to help his nausea, preventing seizures, help with pain and more that I can't recall. It hurt to see.

Waiting has never been my favorite thing, and patience is a virtue for sure, I just don't have that one. So I will just sit here feeling emotional and panicked and try to just breathe because I am back in the waiting room 😭.