Day Thirty-Nine

 Today I felt actual happiness, most days I fake it or do my best to compartmentalize it all. But not today, today I got news that we were approved for Medicaid! I cried when we got the news because our other insurance ends on the 31st of this month and I was feeling so stressed about it.

Today Ryan had his 10th treatment of radiation and chemo. I am impressed with how well he seems to be doing and although he has hard times, he just pushes through and isn't giving up. 

Although I felt happy for a few minutes today I still feel the weight of it all, I know bills will start rolling in soon. I know Ryan isn't going to feel 'better' for a long time if ever. His incision hasn't been able to fully heal and he has some numb spots on his head now and because of the radiation his body doesn't have anything to fight the pain and heal. 

I have been thinking about how to really explain how I feel, I have been blown away by the kindness of others and the willingness to reach out to us. I was asked today, can I see the goodness around me yet and be grateful, and the answer is Yes and No, I thought up this analogy today that really seems to nail it on the head. 

Imagine you are in the ocean and an anchor is tied to your ankle and you sink, lights get dim, you feel like you cannot breathe, and the weight of all that water is pushing in on you. Now imagine that as you are at the bottom of the ocean, people bring you arm floaties and pull on your arms but you don't really get out of the depths or feel much relief because that darn anchor that no one can take from you. I am grateful for all of the floaties, but until I can find away to unlock this anchor I will just have to struggle. I am grateful for the shared oxygen it keeps me going and fighting, but I feel tired and weak but not without hope.

I felt happiness today, I will work to feel that tomorrow as well.