Day Twelve

 I woke up today feeling more optimistic. I was thinking about how great Ryan seems to be doing, his pain is getting a little less each day and he is moving around a bit more. He is feeding himself, showering himself, walking around and doing a bit better in communicating. 

This feeling of optimism was shattered after our call with the Oncologist. We have been working hard to get him feeling better, only to have a call remind us of how terrible this situation is, we are working to get him better to just feel terrible again. The Dr. said 'there is no cure, I know that is hard to hear but the truth is we are working to get you time' I instantly felt my heart clench, the tears came and the panic of everything began to consume my whole being. I tried my best to take notes, to listen and to ask 'helpful' question. But it just looks so bleak. 

We have known that we only get time. How much no one can really say, but we know about a year. When you look into your life and plan for a lifetime, its hard to turn that into months or a year or two. Now take that small amount of time and have someone say 'oh in order to get that precious time, you will need to take medicine and undergo radiation, you will feel terrible, sick, weak and so much more' When do you consider quantity and quality. I hate that we even had to think about that. 

We have decided to commence with the first round. It will begin in about 2 weeks. I feel sick. Ryan is positive and terrified. He worries about what the kids will see and what they will remember. Will the last memories they have be of a sick, tired and weak dad? I would do anything to make this better. We are also looking into clinical trials, that scares us too. 

I want to just crawl into a dark space and hide from it all. I know this is happening, but to a degree I still am in denial. People say to have faith, trust, don't give up. At this point I hope that helps them. I feel forsaken. I don't need anyone to try and preach to me. If that helps others than great. Today I think we are alone. I think what we can see here is what there is. I think there are positive energies and vibes, but a divine being that cares and will actually help us... Not today.

One day my feelings may change. But today on Day Eleven, this is how I feel.