Day Twenty-Five

 I expected today to be different, maybe that is crazy and maybe not, but I did. I thought when we got up this morning we would head to Provo for Ryan's first radiation treatment and well we did do that but when we got there we were told that they needed to wait until tomorrow to actually begin. So we went up to oncology and got all squared away with chemotherapy medications to begin also tomorrow.. Sigh we will wait for another day. This is nice to have another day of feeling somewhat normal, but also the waiting and anticipation of it all is hard.

Coming home we had the home health nurse and Physical therapy coming to work with him, both went well. Ryan has this thing where he puts forth effort to seem like he is OK and when they or others leave he crashes; pain sets in and he just cannot function the same, this happened today.

While Ryan slept, I filled out mountains of paperwork for the state and federal government, doing my best to prove that Ryan cannot work and I need to care for him and our 5 children, heaven forbid they make it easy for me. 

I also took 3 kids to the Dr. for wellness visits and to get them ready for kindergarten and middle school. Filled out paperwork for schools, got my kids fed, bathed, did laundry and cleaned the house. I have had offers from many to come help me with those things, but I feel like I can try for a few days, assess how I am doing and then go from there. If I never try how will I know? 

I have felt like a bad friend, neighbor, sister, daughter, mother and wife many times since this has all happened. Reflecting on times when I let petty things interfere with forgiving, loving or just reaching out.  Times when I didn't like someones opinion and I let it control the future of that relationship; letting some die and others barely hang on. I want to be better. I will be better. I feel a bit buried and I keep having hands outstretched to me that I feel I don't deserve, it truly humbles me.

Ryan's childhood friends have amazed me though all of this showing us both so much support, love and kindness. I haven't always been great to his friends either, I hope they know how much the continued support means to us. Ryan is miserable most of the time, he spends hours just lying in bed. Today a best friend of his bought and brought him an XBOX to help him pass the time and to escape into another world. It was so great to see Ryan happy and enjoying something so much. I am so grateful for this. Thank you Dave! 

I am afraid of Ryan starting chemo tomorrow and also looking forward to getting this show on the road. So until then ❤.