Day Twenty-Seven

Well here I am again, sitting at my computer trying to find the words to convey what this day was like, I will do my best but to be honest I feel like I am falling, each day things come at me and I keep thinking one of these days I am going to hit the ground and shatter, but so far I'm just falling.

To pick up where I left off; I gave Ryan his first dose of 160 mg of chemotherapy medication last night after he had taken his anti nausea med's. There are many things we were worried about, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, constipation to name a few. What we didn't consider was the sleeplessness, it was like he had insomnia. He just couldn't fall asleep, I tried reading to him, white noise, melatonin and nothing seemed to help. He just tossed and turned all night. He told me he dozed off and on for the whole night, so today he was beyond tired when it was time to head in for radiation treatment.

While Ryan was getting his treatment, I worked on my phone to answer some emails about why Ryan's work insurance was cancelled a month before we were ready.. another day of paperwork and worry about how we will remain covered. Its been stressful... so stressful.

Ryan was able to nap while I did some things around the house and tried to spend sometime with my two youngest doing my best to show them love and give them time and attention. I haven't been great at that as of late, but I am trying. Not much more I can do, is there?

I feel like I am riddled with guilt all the time. Here I am complaining about paperwork and taking care of the house and kids and Ryan when he is fighting for his life, what is wrong with me? My issues are trivial aren't they? Insignificant in comparison it seems.

A flooding basement resulting in ruined floors, dogs who have anxiety and eat important papers and shred packages creating chaos and adding to the stress, are two additional things I have to worry about today. In the past Ryan would handle these things, but now I need to figure it out. I will its just MORE. 

Today after I dropped my daughter off at dance I waited for her in the car, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine I was sitting on a beach, with the roar of the ocean in the background and nothing to worry about, This lasted about 4 minutes until my phone rang and I was jolted back to reality. It was a lovely 4 minutes. I hope that some time in the future I can actually get away and relax. 

For now its an unrealistic fantasy.