Day Twenty-Six

 I hate this. I hate it all.

I considered just writing that today, its a true reflection on how I am feeling. My emotions and feeling are on this constant roller coaster filled with highs and lows never settling, and not just by the day but sometimes by the hour, currently I am at a low and it feels real low.

It started OK, I took Ryan to his first Radiation appointment, it is about a 30 minute drive each way and his treatment is 15 minutes long, I am not allowed back there. I have been told he lays down and has this special plastic mask put on his face and locked in place so he cannot move as they radiate his brain. He said it doesn't hurt. so that is a plus. Fun fact 'Radiation prepares the cancer for Chemo, meaning it bugs the cancer so the chemo is more effective'.

Following this we came home and Ryan went to nap.. but found the XBOX instead and opted to do that for a couple hours, then he napped for real when I laid down and all but passed out, I must be depressed right? I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, like a failure, sad, lonely but not alone, emotional and empty. Yea probably depressed.. I hate it

Ryan tells me almost constantly that he is in pain but also that I cannot give him anything for the pain. This is like telling a chief you are hungry but refuse to eat! Its infuriating, and its even worse that i feel like I cannot really get mad at him or say much, like a tornado of feelings. I want to help him, I want him to be comfortable, I want to give in to his wants. But where do I draw that line and say ' I am going to help you, deal with it!' I don't know. I usually just cry or hold it in. One of these days I will just sneak the pain meds back into some food! 

People want to fix me, tell me I'm OK and doing great. I hear that but my mind says "I am not OK, but they think I am, so cool". I am filled with self doubt and constantly have negative thoughts. Just like that roller coaster, I feel like I got this and then suddenly I think I am not 'Adult' enough to handle being a single parent and caretaker for my husband. Where did I leave that dark hole to hide in?

In about an hour I will give Ryan his anti-nausea meds and an hour after that I will give him his Chemo pills. I hope its not as bad as we have been told to prepare for. Hope is the key word there. I will share tomorrow how it goes. 😢