Day Fifty-Five

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 Today has felt rough. Nothing new is happening I am just working on processing what our kids had to say yesterday. I didn't help them or proof read anything, I wanted their organic feelings and I think I got that. I am struggling with it all.

We didn't go to radiation treatment today and also don't have chemotherapy tonight, something about needing a day rest so tomorrow they can begin the more intense sessions. I am excited to be on the down slope but also worried about what it will do to Ryan. I guess we will just see. Ryan still has that large sunburned area on his forehead it is looking worse but he said it isn't hurting so I guess we will survive it. 

Being in my position is rough, and when I think I am pulling it together and doing my best I realize how short I am falling. 

Bridger's message crushed me last night. He feels alone. How do i fix that? I try to talk to him and give him time but clearly I am not doing well enough. He said he wants to know the 'truth' I haven't lied to him, but I don't want to dwell on Ryan's death or what happens when he isn't here, so I tell all my kids ' Dad will die one day, but its not today so lets be happy for every day we get' I cannot go to the depths that he clearly wants. He asks me if I will ever re-marry and cries begging me to be alone forever-how do I talk to him about that? I am not ready to talk about it. But my direction back to the 'now' makes me someone he can't rely on? How do I do this? I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am failing.

The girls were about what I had expected, they are afraid. I can relate, so am I.

I cleaned out the garage yesterday and found more dead mice, this is the worst infestation I have ever dealt with. I hope its the last of them, I was trying to move some large boxes and fell off the ladder twice, pulled some muscles and have more bumps and bruises than seems normal. Turns out having Ryan be my muscle isn't going to work anymore and figuring it out by myself is quite the learning curve in so many ways.

Next I will learn the sprinkler system 😏

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