Day Fifty-Nine

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 Planning for an uncertain future is so strange. I think I have backtracked into the feelings of denial. Ryan is mostly the same guy he was before. He is still goofy, sweet, playful, adventurous, kind, a great father and a loving husband and a great friend. How am I supposed to believe we are on borrowed time when he acts fine. It must be a mistake. All of this. I feel both certain and uncertain. What a mess.

We are about to start his final full week of radiation! It feels like we have been doing this forever and also not long at all, because really this is all just a crazy dream. 

Since this is just a crazy dream, I have been thinking about things that have been said to me that I could have done without:

1. Do you think god wants this for you, so you can learn from it?

2. You poor thing.

3. Your blog is a bit heavy, maybe you can lighten it up a bit.

4. Maybe Ryan's dad just needs his help on the other side.

5. You choose your trials and this is one of them.

There are more than this, but I stared to feel a little terrible and have decided to not continue down that path, or go back and delete things, I always try to just write what I am thinking and not go back. Because in life you really cannot go backwards, Ctrl Alt Delete doesn't work in real life and this is my journal. If you feel the need to critique it than please pass me your journal and we can trade notes. Now reading that again it is clear to see that I am leaning towards the sassy side of myself and should just end today's post.  Blah I guess its just time to wake up. Inception?

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