Day Forty-Four through Forty-Six

 Easter weekend was busy so I didn't get around to writing.

We spent time with both sides of the families having Easter hunts and eating yummy food. It was nice to just do normal stuff, I feel like so many people look at us with pity and make sad faces at us, and while I appreciate the concern for us it starts to feel depressing, so the normal was nice. 

Ryan overdid it big time, its not just walking or talking that exhausts him, but even listening to others or sitting upright can really take a toll on him. I feel like I handle him with oven mitts on all the time. I am now a hovering wife that is in a constant state of worry. It was a lot and today he will rest a lot.

Today Ryan woke up to find his pillow covered in hair and he had a bald spot on the top. We knew hair loss was a possible side effect but seeing as we are a couple weeks in we thought maybe it wasn't one he would have. Not the case as Ryan examined his head and pinched his hair and clumps came out it really hit us both. But seeing how hard it hit Ryan broke my heart, he just kept saying I really am going to die, I am a cancer baby, a balding cancer baby. So we shaved it all today, a large portion of hair just pulled out at the root. But my man is so handsome he doesn't need hair!

Life is so strange, filled with ups and downs and plateaus. I recognize that everyone goes thorough struggles, heartache, pain and we do not have a monopoly on hard things. I have friends and family hesitate to tell me what they are going though always saying 'well this doesn't compare with what you are going though' to which I want to yell back that life isn't a competition and I feel for you and what you are dealing with as well. We need each other both directions and I want to know what is going on with you too. Although we may be on different paths we are all moving the same direction.

My youngest 3 have had a strong reaction to Ryan's shaved head, crying and looking away from him, it breaks my heart but also gives me an opportunity to teach my kids about what is going on and reminding them that what is on the inside of everyone is what is most important. I was happy to see them soften towards him.