Day Forty-Three

 Today was Ryan's 14th radiation treatment. His incision is redder and more inflamed than before, and he said his head feels like its burning. The Dr said that its normal to feel like an intense sunburn feeling and he recommended Aloe.. which seems to do nothing for the pain. 

We also went and got him a Medical Marijuana card- studies have shown that cannabis use can help fight cancer cells, help with pain, inflammation, Insomnia, slow the growth of tumors, help with anxiety and depression. We have found that MJ use is the one common denominator between those who last the longest with this condition. So we are going to use all the things available to us. 

I have cried a lot, I feel tired of crying and have moved to making jokes or deflecting from the heaviness that is all around me. Tonight however we went to see Les Miserable at Hale Center Theater our brother is in it and got us tickets, it was so incredible! I bawled through the whole thing, each song hitting me differently than ever before, the overwhelming message I felt thought the whole thing is just be a good person, its never too late to choose forgiveness and kindness. I was blown away by the vocals and overall feel of the performance. And I am so grateful we got to see it.

My emotions seem to be breaking free now, I cannot help but just feel like bawling now, I had worked hard to bottle up my seemingly endless tears and that show cracked my wall and now I am typing this hoping I can stop the tears that are pushing out of my eyes. I wish hope was enough to knock out the fear, but as I have felt a full range of emotions I know I will have to just deal with both. I can handle it tomorrow but tonight I think I will just give into the tears and hope that my wall can rebuild itself thought the night.