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Day Nine.

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 Day Nine. I am grateful to have another day, but I cannot help feel that each new days means I have one day less. I hate that. I hate so much today, I hate the pain Ryan is in. I hate he cannot sleep. I hate how I dont get the full life with him. I hate that my kids are scared. I hate that this really isn't a dream. I hate that this is reality. I hate he cannot sleep well. I hate the doctors didn't give good enough pain meds to even help him. I hate he feels so frustrated. I hate I feel like if I smile or laugh its wrong. I hate that when people ask what they can do I just dont know what to say. I hate that "Thank you" just isn't enough. I hate the stories of others that beat it, when its not the same situation at all. I hate that I hate things.  When Ryan and I got married, I told him I wanted to go shopping together to find our first home decoration. So we did, we picked a large sign to hang in our room, we felt it depicted the kind of life we would have togeth...
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Day Eight

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I am later than normal making this post. We were able to come home last night, a blessing and a bit of a curse. I am happy to be home, with our kids and with family. Ryan is miserable, which isn't surprising but hard to see. I cannot ease his pain. He is struggling to say what he wants in a why that I can fully understand. It breaks my heart every time. Though his agony he will say "I need to be aligned, I just cant" to me I think 'oh he need to readjust he isn't comfortable', but I am always wrong. Sometimes he will stay with me long enough to decipher what the problem is, and other times he shuts down, gets mad at me and says never mind, its ok. Today the alignment meant "I want socks and a drink". Its so strange to see my brilliant husband struggle with something he was a master at 'communication'. When he gets frustrated and shuts down I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not doing well enough. It hurts, It hurts so much I want to fall...
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Day Eleven

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 Day Eleven. Its strange to feel like I am stuck. I love seeing Ryan get stronger and he is! It feels a bit fake, and by that I mean seeing him do better but also knowing in the back of my mind that this isn't a "forever" kind of better. Living in that is the worst.  I tell myself to just look at today. So today looks good. Home health came out and checked on him and told me he is looking great, and going the right direction. (how much does she know? Is she looking at today too? sigh) Today he got up, took a shower and moved to sleep in a recliner. Today he wore glasses and mentioned maybe playing cards later. Today he teased me. I loved it. I loved that he thought to tease me, that he is fighting to come back and remember.  My kids are loving the time with family. Enjoying the feel of being wanted and cared for by others. It has been nice to see so many reach out to us and lift us out of the muck.  I cannot express enough how hard it is to hear the other comparisons...
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