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Day six

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Today I can't breathe. Today I keep checking to make sure my heart is beating.  The man of my dreams, the love of my life is in so much pain. I can't take any of it from him, but I wish I could. I wish it was me. I don't know if I can physically or emotionally survive without him.   It's early, I don't really sleep. Usually my sweet husband would hold me and Whisper how he loves me and help me sleep, but not now. Not today. Today is the sixth day.  I just want to survive today.  Six days ago we found out my Ryan had a brain tumor.  Six days since we were told emergency surgery was necessary  Six days since I was told our life together had an expiration date.  Six days since I was told I would be a Widow at 35.  Six days since I found out my 5 young children would grow up without the best dad.  Six days of pain.  Six days of sobs.  Six days of denial, because this can't be real.  Six days of fear.  And now I need to ...
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I have no idea what day it is?

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 I think I have been dragging my feet getting back into writing, I have tried to figure out why that is and I came up with a few reasons: 1. As Ryan is doing well I keep having the thoughts that maybe I was right, maybe this isn't really happening. Maybe he wont die, maybe he will break the cancer cycle.. Maybe this is denial? 2. If I push aside my denial it just hurts. It still hurts so much. It hurts to write it down, to put to paper what is happening, this may just burst my denial bubble.  3. I am busy, school is going again and my driving schedule is crazy and I seem to be able to convince myself quite easily that this doesn't matter, no one cares, no one reads this.  But today I have decided maybe I will want to read it, so for me here I go. We are in the fourth month of Ryan's 6 months of oral chemo, it has been hard. He is coping well with the medicine and frequently I have people tell me and him how great he looks and how he just seems like the 'old' Ryan. F...
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Sixty-Four

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 So many times I just stare at the screen with so much going through my mind and no way to determine where to start or if I should even write what I am thinking, today I am going for it! I am not ok. I don't feel ok. I don't like to pretend that I am ok. Normal isn't the same for me anymore, I thought life last year during the major hit of Covid was the worst, news-flash this is much worse. I am getting 'normal' figured out slowly but surely.  Ryan says 'My Apologies' all the time and never really did before his surgery and finally I about exploded! Either say 'sorry' or don't, but 'my apologies' feels insincere and like he is getting ready to actually give me an apology that never seems to come. So of course I freaked out at him about it, not relenting in my emotional outburst, however following my little freak out I felt immense guilt for a solid 48 hours 😩. Even though we worked out my issue right away it was still hard and between yo...
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