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Day Nine.

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 Day Nine. I am grateful to have another day, but I cannot help feel that each new days means I have one day less. I hate that. I hate so much today, I hate the pain Ryan is in. I hate he cannot sleep. I hate how I dont get the full life with him. I hate that my kids are scared. I hate that this really isn't a dream. I hate that this is reality. I hate he cannot sleep well. I hate the doctors didn't give good enough pain meds to even help him. I hate he feels so frustrated. I hate I feel like if I smile or laugh its wrong. I hate that when people ask what they can do I just dont know what to say. I hate that "Thank you" just isn't enough. I hate the stories of others that beat it, when its not the same situation at all. I hate that I hate things.  When Ryan and I got married, I told him I wanted to go shopping together to find our first home decoration. So we did, we picked a large sign to hang in our room, we felt it depicted the kind of life we would have togeth...
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I have no idea what day it is?

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 I think I have been dragging my feet getting back into writing, I have tried to figure out why that is and I came up with a few reasons: 1. As Ryan is doing well I keep having the thoughts that maybe I was right, maybe this isn't really happening. Maybe he wont die, maybe he will break the cancer cycle.. Maybe this is denial? 2. If I push aside my denial it just hurts. It still hurts so much. It hurts to write it down, to put to paper what is happening, this may just burst my denial bubble.  3. I am busy, school is going again and my driving schedule is crazy and I seem to be able to convince myself quite easily that this doesn't matter, no one cares, no one reads this.  But today I have decided maybe I will want to read it, so for me here I go. We are in the fourth month of Ryan's 6 months of oral chemo, it has been hard. He is coping well with the medicine and frequently I have people tell me and him how great he looks and how he just seems like the 'old' Ryan. F...
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Day six

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Today I can't breathe. Today I keep checking to make sure my heart is beating.  The man of my dreams, the love of my life is in so much pain. I can't take any of it from him, but I wish I could. I wish it was me. I don't know if I can physically or emotionally survive without him.   It's early, I don't really sleep. Usually my sweet husband would hold me and Whisper how he loves me and help me sleep, but not now. Not today. Today is the sixth day.  I just want to survive today.  Six days ago we found out my Ryan had a brain tumor.  Six days since we were told emergency surgery was necessary  Six days since I was told our life together had an expiration date.  Six days since I was told I would be a Widow at 35.  Six days since I found out my 5 young children would grow up without the best dad.  Six days of pain.  Six days of sobs.  Six days of denial, because this can't be real.  Six days of fear.  And now I need to ...
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