BYRD on the daily 💙

Treasure hunts.  This is what my life has become and for the most part I don't mind them.  Every day I wake up and wonder if today is the day that I find the treasure or if it is just something that eludes me. I get to go on these hunts with five amazing treasure hunters as well as three treasure dogs.   The first is big and tries to be so brave.  He hunts alone but at night needs the lights on and something to distract him.  He wants to be so much like his dad.  He wants to share random things (videos, stories, experiments) that he learns or finds with others but mostly his dad.  I watched him bravely say "If you don't have hair, I don't need it either.  Lets shave it."  It wasn't necessary, but a loving gesture to show in his way how much he cared.  I know he is scared but tries not to show it. The second is sensitive and bright.  She wants to run into the hunt even if she doesn't have her lava shoes (Yes, they are real and y...

 Today radiation changed, they are now doing a more intensive round of radiation focusing on the pockets of tumor that have the most active growing cells. I have found that few people understand radiation many thought it was injections or a chemical tablet or liquid medicine... These are all wrong. So to clear it up radiation treatment is basically like a microwave only more localized and instead of doing everything it beams into the specific areas of his brain 'tenderizing' the tumor and cancer cells so that the chemotherapy is more effective. With this happening I don't know if his side effects will be worse or the same, today it feels the same, he did say he couldn't smell it like he had before whether or not that is a fluke only time will tell.  I feel more and more grateful my sister is here every day. I frequently feel like I cannot do this or that and the stress of my feelings of failure feel unsurmountable, yet each day my sister Amy just anticipates my needs an...

 Today has felt rough. Nothing new is happening I am just working on processing what our kids had to say yesterday. I didn't help them or proof read anything, I wanted their organic feelings and I think I got that. I am struggling with it all. We didn't go to radiation treatment today and also don't have chemotherapy tonight, something about needing a day rest so tomorrow they can begin the more intense sessions. I am excited to be on the down slope but also worried about what it will do to Ryan. I guess we will just see. Ryan still has that large sunburned area on his forehead it is looking worse but he said it isn't hurting so I guess we will survive it.  Being in my position is rough, and when I think I am pulling it together and doing my best I realize how short I am falling.  Bridger's message crushed me last night. He feels alone. How do i fix that? I try to talk to him and give him time but clearly I am not doing well enough. He said he wants to know the ...

Preface:  I asked the kids to write their thoughts down about their dad and what we have been going through these last few weeks.  I did not proof read what they wrote. Addison's Blog: Hello world this is Addison. When Dad was having surgery I was scared and sad. I liked Dad's new haircut that he got and he hasn't really changed. Daddy doesn't like candy anymore but he still likes to play games...switch and Xbox S. Daddy can have the light on to see now because it doesn't hurt as much. Daddy can walk now and I really like that and when he leaves to go and do radiation I go to school.   I hope he doesn't die soon. My aunt came over again and brought her dog and I really like when she reads to us at night.  We read a lot of books and we are starting a new one tonight. Mommy made medicine that we take everyday and they have a good taste. I can't wait for school to be done so we can go on a big family vacation for a couple weeks. Bridger's Blog: Hay this is ...

 What a weekend! Our mini van has been on the fritz, clunking and clanging and making crazy noises causing one to question if we would ever arrive at our desired destination on time or in one piece. We had it looked at and the value of the car was less than the amount of work it needed. This has been causing me so much stress. We had wanted to make some plans that would include travel and we were concerned that this wouldn't be a possibility.  With not knowing how much time we will have to travel together as a family, this has been something that has been weighing on me and Ryan.  The kids have also voiced our hopes for the upcoming summer and in wanting to spend time together.  Recently, a very good friend reached out to us and offered to help us get a safer vehicle to use, making these dreams possible. It has been fun to drive different cars and see how excited our kids were to finally sit in our new vehicle.  It weighs on me knowing that I need to find a way ...

Do you ever feel like you walk around carrying a suitcase of baggage? Depending on what is going on in your life your bag can be small or huge but either way its just being pulled along with you.. I feel like this, like everyone can see it all. How vain is that? As if my life or our problems really matter to anyone else. Ryan is in great spirits even though he is in pain and his hair is falling out and the radiation is causing a sunburn effect on his entire forehead he just keeps smiling and cracking jokes. How? How is it possible for him to exude so much goodness in the darkness? I am so lucky he is mine. On our way home from Ryan's radiation appointment he was reading to me ( we have been reading a series of books together, it started when he was in the hospital and it hurt to keep his eyes open so I just read to him) anyway there was this great quote in today's reading "The world never changes, just your perspective of it" It hit home today. I have looked at this a...

Today I just cannot do this. I have nothing inspirational to share or anything of note.  I am tired, and feeling a little low. Hopefully tomorrow I can find the will to share something of substance.