BYRD on the daily 💙

Today I just cannot do this. I have nothing inspirational to share or anything of note.  I am tired, and feeling a little low. Hopefully tomorrow I can find the will to share something of substance. 

 When I was little I remember going to the park and playing on the teeter-totter, I loved it. The thrill of going up high and plummeting back down and doing it over and over again as long as possible. My life is now this way up and down all day long, every day. I can feel like I am soaring and then feel the gravity and plummet to the ground but what can I do but push off the ground fighting to get back up? This is the first day Ryan has thrown up, he felt sick yesterday but it passed... today it didn't pass. He has been feeling sick today and it looks like a deep sunburn across his forehead to his left temple, I have never seen redness like this so far, it looks painful. I keep wanting to put something on his head but I am scared too with radiation going on. I hope this passes soon. Its amazing to see how people deal with our situation, some just look at me with sad eyes and offer condolences, some avoid me like my sadness or stress is contagious, some pretend to be my friend just ...

I keep staring at this screen and nothing is coming to mind to write about. How is that possible with so much going on in my mind all the time I cannot think of anything? What a strange thing.  Today I feel grateful to have family to let my kids come play and spend time with cousins. I feel so grateful for neighbors that bring us food and remind us that we are not alone. I feel grateful for friends who reach out and show support. For my sister living with us and keeping my house put together and keep me laughing and smiling. And for my husband that shows he loves me each day. Most of all I am so grateful that I dont have to fake it. So many times in my life I have felt one way and faked like I felt the other. I feel sad that I and so many need to pretend they are ok or that they are living a perfect life. What a waste, I hope to just live everyday true to how I really feel and what I really think. Life really is too short to do anything else. And generally I find people are quite u...

 Easter weekend was busy so I didn't get around to writing. We spent time with both sides of the families having Easter hunts and eating yummy food. It was nice to just do normal stuff, I feel like so many people look at us with pity and make sad faces at us, and while I appreciate the concern for us it starts to feel depressing, so the normal was nice.  Ryan overdid it big time, its not just walking or talking that exhausts him, but even listening to others or sitting upright can really take a toll on him. I feel like I handle him with oven mitts on all the time. I am now a hovering wife that is in a constant state of worry. It was a lot and today he will rest a lot. Today Ryan woke up to find his pillow covered in hair and he had a bald spot on the top. We knew hair loss was a possible side effect but seeing as we are a couple weeks in we thought maybe it wasn't one he would have. Not the case as Ryan examined his head and pinched his hair and clumps came out it really hit ...

 Today was Ryan's 14th radiation treatment. His incision is redder and more inflamed than before, and he said his head feels like its burning. The Dr said that its normal to feel like an intense sunburn feeling and he recommended Aloe.. which seems to do nothing for the pain.  We also went and got him a Medical Marijuana card- studies have shown that cannabis use can help fight cancer cells, help with pain, inflammation, Insomnia, slow the growth of tumors, help with anxiety and depression. We have found that MJ use is the one common denominator between those who last the longest with this condition. So we are going to use all the things available to us.  I have cried a lot, I feel tired of crying and have moved to making jokes or deflecting from the heaviness that is all around me. Tonight however we went to see Les Miserable at Hale Center Theater our brother is in it and got us tickets, it was so incredible! I bawled through the whole thing, each song hitting me differ...

Picture day! I realized that I haven't posted any pictures to go along with these posts. So here are some pictures (not all) to illustrate how things have been going. Huge Tumor Tumor Checked into the hospital waiting for the DR Last night before surgery we cried a lot but Ryan was able to snuggle with me for a little bit Heading to surgery Just out of surgery Incision he was so swollen and draining fluid day after surgery Swollen and miserable 2nd day after surgery Ready to get out of the hospital day 3     Swelling is going down and pain set in Finally tried out the recliner but needed the elephant for head support Trying out this new hat to cover the scar We went to St. George for a weekend at dance competitions First day of Radiation treatment

Another day has come and gone! I feel tired and my back pain is getting worse. Ryan is doing great, he is fighting to get up and try and function each day and today it went mostly well. We had his oncology appointment today and we were given the 'plan' it is as follows:  *We finish Radiation and this round of Chemo on the 26th of April (2021).  *We will get 4 weeks off of everything. *Get an MRI and meet with the Oncologist again *Begin 6 months of Chemotherapy, 5 days a month of a higher dose.  *Blood draws every month to watch for decreased white blood cells and keep an eye on his platelets. *Another MRI to see how it is going. *Hopefully there is no growth and we can take a while off and just get an MRI every 2 to 4 months. I am happy to see the plan, the unknowns are so hard for me. How do you plan anything when you know nothing? And I want to make plans, I want us to start living and enjoying what time we get as we continue to fight for more time. Ryan goes back and ...