BYRD on the daily 💙

 This will be a short post, my brain is feeling overused for this day.  We drove back from St. George today, roads were much better and we made great time, so that was nice. I didn't sleep well and I can feel the stress and exhaustion catching up with me. We were able to get our kids home safely and get unpacked and settled. Ryan went to bed almost instantly and I began going through paperwork.. so much paperwork. Ryan cannot work and I am seeing bills coming in and I am trying to get all the help possible so this doesn't bury us. We have had so much help and I cannot begin to express my gratitude enough, however we have a long way to go.  Its hard for me to accept help, it has been that way for as long as i can remember. I can give all day and feel great but receiving isn't easy for me.  I know I need help, but Its so hard. Every time I get a card, a meal, money, treats, gift cards or whatever I feel like I need to give something back. Pay them back some how. Its li...

Waking up four hours later, we needed to run to the store (I cannot believe I forgot HAIRSPRAY). Ryan was so tired, I took the girls and got them breakfast and went to get what I forgot 🤯. Unfortunately the snow also reached St. George, so it's super cold but it didn't stick for too long.  We came back to our room and worked on getting the girls ready for Competition, hair, makeup and costumes! The girls love it. Performances and getting all gussied up 💜, I do too who am I kidding lol.  We made it to desert hills high school by 10:05am and headed to get them with their teams and Ryan and I took our seats. It was so fun and the girls did great! I was so happy Ryan came, we both were. Following that we met up with our niece and her husband for lunch. It was so great to be with them and the food was yummy (Ryan ate more than he has since surgery, it was good to see! His tastes seem to have changed... I didn't expect that one). We then went swimming while Ryan slept. Followin...

Well I did a thing.. Our two oldest daughters are in competition dance, and they have a competition in St. George tomorrow, usually I just go with the girls and we make it a girls weekend. However I wanted to give Ryan the opportunity to watch them perform so I asked him if he wanted to come with us.. Scratch that I pushed him to come (pretty hard 🙄). I don't know how many chances he has to see them compete and if we can even do dance next year. Anyway we packed up and left at about 3:00 in the afternoon we dropped off the other 3 kids to my parents so they could take them to my brother because we were told there was really bad weather and hard road conditions ahead. We gased up and started driving! We made it about 40 mins when my brother Shawn called and said that the roads were too bad for my van to handle I needed to turn back head to his place and take his suv with 4wd, safety is all that matters so I did. And bless my brothers soul for his kindness, thoughtfulness and genero...

Yesterday when I asked Ryan if he wanted to write in the blog I was stunned to hear him say YES. So he took over yesterday and I shelfed my thoughts for todays.  Yesterday I thought about how lucky I have been to have met and married this wonderful man. We have for sure had ups and downs but I wanted to put down some of the things we have implemented in our marriage that have helped us be the happiest. 1. We hold hands, in the car, while we walk, across the table, during a movie and whenever we fancy it. 2.We always say "I love you" not love ya . And frequently and always at the end of an argument/fight, before bed and before we leave each other and at the end of every call. 3.We work together. Its not a my list and his list but an OUR list, building, cleaning, child rearing, dinner, chores, painting, errands, shopping. 4. We laugh a lot. We are silly together, things get hard and we crack a joke, Ryan loves a good shock value reaction lol. Life is easier with a smile and a g...

 Hello cruel and wonderful world!  Ryan here.  I just wanted to say a few words and then run screaming for the hills. First things first, I am a real boy.  I went in on Sunday three weekishes ago for a surgery that would wipe my life clean.  I remember giving the thumbs up and then waiting for the prep room. The rest, is history.  By history I meant that I dodged in and out of consciousness and received TONS of prep room attention.  I got cleanings, grooming, bed prep, and waxing that are no good for anyone.  Ever.   This was all a pre-game head home.  Which was completely awful.  I got home, which was awful.  I crawled into bed, which was awful.  I stayed in there for days, which was awful.  The come-to-our-home nurse and technician were a wonder to behold as they started to lay down the plans.  We went through the plans as they went on their merry way and then came back in about a week as we revisited the ...

 Nineteen days or two weeks and one day since Ryan had surgery on his brain. It feels like this nightmare that we cannot wake up from. I want to be OK, I want to feel light and easy going; not a care in the world. I envy my young children that don't understand or feel this weight. I am falling behind. I know I am not doing all that I need to. I get emails from school teachers concerning my child/ren not doing this or that and its so hard to have the drive to even care. I know that is wrong, I just feel like a fish out of water gasping for breath. And home reading or projects feel like a waste of effort. I need to find a way to be better. A way to fill my lungs and go on. But how? I have had so much help with my children, entertaining them and driving them around. Have I forgotten how to do this or has my brain just suffered a short and I am having a hard time catching up, I hope I can get it together soon.  I have been beyond overwhelmed with the kindness of others. People who...

 Today was a crazy day, for the last couple weeks we have had so much help with our kids, I wanted to see if I could take some things back on, running errands, kids to preschool and doing dance prep for competition this weekend. Ryan also had his nurse come by and his physical therapy- Now I didn't know PT was going to come and I may have kinda encouraged (strongly) that Ryan come with me for a nice long walk.. This wasn't my greatest idea and it really wiped him out and didn't help PT much either. oops.  Later I was watching my girls dance and I had another mom come up to me to offer her condolences and she shared a recent loss she experienced. Hearing her pain and sorrow hurt me at a new level, I just cried for her as she cried for me. This made me think a lot about how much others are going through in silence. I know my pain. I know my fear. I know my sorrow. I also know we need each other. We need others to hear us and feel for us, not to fix us. This sweet woman said ...