BYRD on the daily 💙

 Today has felt mostly like a normal day. We had company, Got some things done around the house. Ryan took a nap and has felt terrible, but that is becoming part of the normal as well. We have been trying to look more to the future, wanting to make some plans and live our life. Yellowstone, the beach, road trips just to start. We just need to make it through our first round of Chemo and Radiation. We can do that. I have been reflecting on other struggles we have had, times in our marriage that we felt like we maybe couldn't make it. Times we thought we couldn't handle more and yet we did. Times we didn't have a place to call home, or we couldn't pay our bills, or we didn't feel like we had friends or family we could turn to, fertility struggles, miscarriages, etc. Life can be so hard and then in a blink of an eye it can change. We will trudge through the hard days and get to the better ones.  I am having a hard time knowing what to write today, the kids are staying ...

 Its incredible how much can change is just over 2 weeks time. It feels like the push and pull of the ocean, sometimes the ocean is scary with so much you cannot see and other times its soothing as you listen to the sound of the waves.  There are things we know: we know we will get time, we know we have treatment options, we know Ryan is strong and fighting, we know others love us, we know we aren't alone, we know this is hard, we know its expensive, we know its worth it. We don't know: How long we really have, How much it will take emotionally/physically/financially, How hard it will be on him, How much pain it will be, How our kids will cope and deal, and I am sure more I cannot seem to think up in this moment. Just like the ocean analogy I can see the scary depths and I feel the peace. As my husband gets feeling better and can spend more time with the kids and show his love for us all I am deeply grateful, I cannot help but see the unknown depths in front of us. I don't ...

What a busy day this has been. We began by seeing the radiologist and getting plans ready to begin radiation. We were happy to learn that his Glioblastoma has been downgraded from a 4 to a 3, this is huge news, this news gives us hope of a few more years. Its strange to think we went from planning a lifetime to thinking a year to now feeling super happy about 2 or 3! Perspective I suppose.  Radiology went over a lot of information, but the take away was that we will begin treatment on the 22nd. 7 weeks on and a month off. We are hoping to make plans for that month. Everything feels so strange, like I am watching someone else's life play out. How quickly life can change. We went from feeling in control for the most part and just living our quiet life to a chaotic life filled with fear, unanswered questions, panic, stress, depression and need.  Trying to figure out how to survive every day emotionally and physically is taxing for sure. Ryan is doing so much better, his speech an...

 Day Thirteen- Life feels so strange. Ryan is doing so much better, his pain is getting less each day, he is wincing less with each movement, he is getting up more, laughing a bit and we even watched a movie together last night. It feels normal. But also not. I feels like all our happiness and good moments have a shadow over them. how long do we get these moments? Once someone gives you a limit of time or an expiration date everything changes.  My life and every moment now has a different perspective. I appreciate all the little things more than ever such as: Every wink from Ryan, Each time he reaches for my hand, pulls me in for a hug, cups my face, when he rubs my back, tells me he loves me, teases me, Smiles, laughs, hugs each child, pets the dogs, Sounds he makes when he eats (ones I used to hate), Soft snores, just the sound of him breathing, and so much more. I have been told for so many years 'you never know how much time you get' oh how true that is. Also so depressing...

 I woke up today feeling more optimistic. I was thinking about how great Ryan seems to be doing, his pain is getting a little less each day and he is moving around a bit more. He is feeding himself, showering himself, walking around and doing a bit better in communicating.  This feeling of optimism was shattered after our call with the Oncologist. We have been working hard to get him feeling better, only to have a call remind us of how terrible this situation is, we are working to get him better to just feel terrible again. The Dr. said 'there is no cure, I know that is hard to hear but the truth is we are working to get you time' I instantly felt my heart clench, the tears came and the panic of everything began to consume my whole being. I tried my best to take notes, to listen and to ask 'helpful' question. But it just looks so bleak.  We have known that we only get time. How much no one can really say, but we know about a year. When you look into your life and plan ...

 Day Eleven. Its strange to feel like I am stuck. I love seeing Ryan get stronger and he is! It feels a bit fake, and by that I mean seeing him do better but also knowing in the back of my mind that this isn't a "forever" kind of better. Living in that is the worst.  I tell myself to just look at today. So today looks good. Home health came out and checked on him and told me he is looking great, and going the right direction. (how much does she know? Is she looking at today too? sigh) Today he got up, took a shower and moved to sleep in a recliner. Today he wore glasses and mentioned maybe playing cards later. Today he teased me. I loved it. I loved that he thought to tease me, that he is fighting to come back and remember.  My kids are loving the time with family. Enjoying the feel of being wanted and cared for by others. It has been nice to see so many reach out to us and lift us out of the muck.  I cannot express enough how hard it is to hear the other comparisons...

 Its morning on day Ten. Yesterday I said I hated so much and that is true, but after I wrote it out, I started to find things that gave me hope. That reminded me to be grateful. So in an effort to become more positive I wanted to mention them today.  While I feel the weight still and the tug of tears and sorrow I also feel so much more. Its crazy that I can feel so many feelings at once, they feel like a contradiction to feel hope and sorrow, to feel happy and sad, grateful and angry, Tired and sleepless. I dont thing we spend much time processing life, we just live it. Sometimes I just do things, shelf the feelings and move on. Now I can feel the weight on the shelves, the tug towards depression, so to remind myself of the good and to share it here we go.  Each day I ask Ryan if he wants to get up, each day he says no. So we take care of everything from bed, I feed him there, clean him there, help him with bathroom needs there, give him his meds there, massage his legs ...