BYRD on the daily 💙

 Nineteen days or two weeks and one day since Ryan had surgery on his brain. It feels like this nightmare that we cannot wake up from. I want to be OK, I want to feel light and easy going; not a care in the world. I envy my young children that don't understand or feel this weight. I am falling behind. I know I am not doing all that I need to. I get emails from school teachers concerning my child/ren not doing this or that and its so hard to have the drive to even care. I know that is wrong, I just feel like a fish out of water gasping for breath. And home reading or projects feel like a waste of effort. I need to find a way to be better. A way to fill my lungs and go on. But how? I have had so much help with my children, entertaining them and driving them around. Have I forgotten how to do this or has my brain just suffered a short and I am having a hard time catching up, I hope I can get it together soon.  I have been beyond overwhelmed with the kindness of others. People who...

 Today was a crazy day, for the last couple weeks we have had so much help with our kids, I wanted to see if I could take some things back on, running errands, kids to preschool and doing dance prep for competition this weekend. Ryan also had his nurse come by and his physical therapy- Now I didn't know PT was going to come and I may have kinda encouraged (strongly) that Ryan come with me for a nice long walk.. This wasn't my greatest idea and it really wiped him out and didn't help PT much either. oops.  Later I was watching my girls dance and I had another mom come up to me to offer her condolences and she shared a recent loss she experienced. Hearing her pain and sorrow hurt me at a new level, I just cried for her as she cried for me. This made me think a lot about how much others are going through in silence. I know my pain. I know my fear. I know my sorrow. I also know we need each other. We need others to hear us and feel for us, not to fix us. This sweet woman said ...

 Keeping this up every day is a bit more effort than I was expecting. In the beginning it felt like there was so much going on all the time and my heart couldn't handle it all at one time, now as things feel more normal its hard to reconcile all that is coming and even all that we know now.  Ryan is putting up more resistance to all the things I want to do in hopes of getting the most possible time. Today he told me " you are planning my demise aren't you" Now my husband meant this as perhaps a light joke or a silly comment I think, I c ouldn't help the pang in my chest and the hurt I felt. I most likely will never tell him how this made me feel. Every moment I worry about him, I want him to be comfortable, safe, in less pain, happy and healthy. I worry about him over doing things, not getting enough sleep and so on. So him saying that to me hurt. It hurt so much. There is some adjusting to his lack of memory or his little changes in behavior, I have jokingly said...

 Today has felt mostly like a normal day. We had company, Got some things done around the house. Ryan took a nap and has felt terrible, but that is becoming part of the normal as well. We have been trying to look more to the future, wanting to make some plans and live our life. Yellowstone, the beach, road trips just to start. We just need to make it through our first round of Chemo and Radiation. We can do that. I have been reflecting on other struggles we have had, times in our marriage that we felt like we maybe couldn't make it. Times we thought we couldn't handle more and yet we did. Times we didn't have a place to call home, or we couldn't pay our bills, or we didn't feel like we had friends or family we could turn to, fertility struggles, miscarriages, etc. Life can be so hard and then in a blink of an eye it can change. We will trudge through the hard days and get to the better ones.  I am having a hard time knowing what to write today, the kids are staying ...

 Its incredible how much can change is just over 2 weeks time. It feels like the push and pull of the ocean, sometimes the ocean is scary with so much you cannot see and other times its soothing as you listen to the sound of the waves.  There are things we know: we know we will get time, we know we have treatment options, we know Ryan is strong and fighting, we know others love us, we know we aren't alone, we know this is hard, we know its expensive, we know its worth it. We don't know: How long we really have, How much it will take emotionally/physically/financially, How hard it will be on him, How much pain it will be, How our kids will cope and deal, and I am sure more I cannot seem to think up in this moment. Just like the ocean analogy I can see the scary depths and I feel the peace. As my husband gets feeling better and can spend more time with the kids and show his love for us all I am deeply grateful, I cannot help but see the unknown depths in front of us. I don't ...

What a busy day this has been. We began by seeing the radiologist and getting plans ready to begin radiation. We were happy to learn that his Glioblastoma has been downgraded from a 4 to a 3, this is huge news, this news gives us hope of a few more years. Its strange to think we went from planning a lifetime to thinking a year to now feeling super happy about 2 or 3! Perspective I suppose.  Radiology went over a lot of information, but the take away was that we will begin treatment on the 22nd. 7 weeks on and a month off. We are hoping to make plans for that month. Everything feels so strange, like I am watching someone else's life play out. How quickly life can change. We went from feeling in control for the most part and just living our quiet life to a chaotic life filled with fear, unanswered questions, panic, stress, depression and need.  Trying to figure out how to survive every day emotionally and physically is taxing for sure. Ryan is doing so much better, his speech an...

 Day Thirteen- Life feels so strange. Ryan is doing so much better, his pain is getting less each day, he is wincing less with each movement, he is getting up more, laughing a bit and we even watched a movie together last night. It feels normal. But also not. I feels like all our happiness and good moments have a shadow over them. how long do we get these moments? Once someone gives you a limit of time or an expiration date everything changes.  My life and every moment now has a different perspective. I appreciate all the little things more than ever such as: Every wink from Ryan, Each time he reaches for my hand, pulls me in for a hug, cups my face, when he rubs my back, tells me he loves me, teases me, Smiles, laughs, hugs each child, pets the dogs, Sounds he makes when he eats (ones I used to hate), Soft snores, just the sound of him breathing, and so much more. I have been told for so many years 'you never know how much time you get' oh how true that is. Also so depressing...