BYRD on the daily 💙

I am going to try something different, I have been posting at the end of each day and by then I am at my lowest of the day, feeling crappy about most everything (as is clearly evident by my other posts). So today I am going to start my day off by putting out my positivity instead.  Whenever we go for drives or travel with our kids it doesn't take long before they are fighting, yelling at each other and generally freaking out. So Ryan and I play a game with them, Its called the I love You Game. We take turns going around and saying what we love about another person in the car, we continue going around until we have all said something we love about everyone in the car. By the end everyone is feeling much better and the rest of the drive is much nicer and happier.  I am going to try it out on here.  I love my husband and how he is fighting for us all through all the pain and misery, he is trying and I know he wants to help and be supportive and is in his way. I love Bridger ...

Have you ever looked at your life and thought 'man I want to just fast forward this whole chapter?'  Last night I was able to give Ryan some great medication and he was able to sleep well all night. I woke up early to go walking with a friend and it was great, I thought YEAH i got this day! How dare I think that! How dare I assume I could handle all things easily!  I took Ryan to radiation and it has kicked his butt today, he has been feeling terrible ever sense, and has been just laying in bed all day.  I on the other hand found that we have a mouse in our storage room and has eaten holes in my food storage, so I went about taking everything out so I could clean it up and put all my flour, cake mixes, cereal, fruit snacks and other things in bins. Lucky for me though my parents swooped in to help! The mess was outrageous, and it took hours and hours to put back together. During all of this fun I pulled a muscle in my back and now I get to add my own pain to the mix. Not ...

Well here I am again, sitting at my computer trying to find the words to convey what this day was like, I will do my best but to be honest I feel like I am falling, each day things come at me and I keep thinking one of these days I am going to hit the ground and shatter, but so far I'm just falling. To pick up where I left off; I gave Ryan his first dose of 160 mg of chemotherapy medication last night after he had taken his anti nausea med's. There are many things we were worried about, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, constipation to name a few. What we didn't consider was the sleeplessness, it was like he had insomnia. He just couldn't fall asleep, I tried reading to him, white noise, melatonin and nothing seemed to help. He just tossed and turned all night. He told me he dozed off and on for the whole night, so today he was beyond tired when it was time to head in for radiation treatment. While Ryan was getting his treatment, I worked on my phone to answer some emai...

 I hate this. I hate it all. I considered just writing that today, its a true reflection on how I am feeling. My emotions and feeling are on this constant roller coaster filled with highs and lows never settling, and not just by the day but sometimes by the hour, currently I am at a low and it feels real low. It started OK, I took Ryan to his first Radiation appointment, it is about a 30 minute drive each way and his treatment is 15 minutes long, I am not allowed back there. I have been told he lays down and has this special plastic mask put on his face and locked in place so he cannot move as they radiate his brain. He said it doesn't hurt. so that is a plus. Fun fact 'Radiation prepares the cancer for Chemo, meaning it bugs the cancer so the chemo is more effective'. Following this we came home and Ryan went to nap.. but found the XBOX instead and opted to do that for a couple hours, then he napped for real when I laid down and all but passed out, I must be depressed righ...

 I expected today to be different, maybe that is crazy and maybe not, but I did. I thought when we got up this morning we would head to Provo for Ryan's first radiation treatment and well we did do that but when we got there we were told that they needed to wait until tomorrow to actually begin. So we went up to oncology and got all squared away with chemotherapy medications to begin also tomorrow.. Sigh we will wait for another day. This is nice to have another day of feeling somewhat normal, but also the waiting and anticipation of it all is hard. Coming home we had the home health nurse and Physical therapy coming to work with him, both went well. Ryan has this thing where he puts forth effort to seem like he is OK and when they or others leave he crashes; pain sets in and he just cannot function the same, this happened today. While Ryan slept, I filled out mountains of paperwork for the state and federal government, doing my best to prove that Ryan cannot work and I need to car...

 This will be a short post, my brain is feeling overused for this day.  We drove back from St. George today, roads were much better and we made great time, so that was nice. I didn't sleep well and I can feel the stress and exhaustion catching up with me. We were able to get our kids home safely and get unpacked and settled. Ryan went to bed almost instantly and I began going through paperwork.. so much paperwork. Ryan cannot work and I am seeing bills coming in and I am trying to get all the help possible so this doesn't bury us. We have had so much help and I cannot begin to express my gratitude enough, however we have a long way to go.  Its hard for me to accept help, it has been that way for as long as i can remember. I can give all day and feel great but receiving isn't easy for me.  I know I need help, but Its so hard. Every time I get a card, a meal, money, treats, gift cards or whatever I feel like I need to give something back. Pay them back some how. Its li...

Waking up four hours later, we needed to run to the store (I cannot believe I forgot HAIRSPRAY). Ryan was so tired, I took the girls and got them breakfast and went to get what I forgot 🤯. Unfortunately the snow also reached St. George, so it's super cold but it didn't stick for too long.  We came back to our room and worked on getting the girls ready for Competition, hair, makeup and costumes! The girls love it. Performances and getting all gussied up 💜, I do too who am I kidding lol.  We made it to desert hills high school by 10:05am and headed to get them with their teams and Ryan and I took our seats. It was so fun and the girls did great! I was so happy Ryan came, we both were. Following that we met up with our niece and her husband for lunch. It was so great to be with them and the food was yummy (Ryan ate more than he has since surgery, it was good to see! His tastes seem to have changed... I didn't expect that one). We then went swimming while Ryan slept. Followin...