BYRD on the daily 💙

 What to write about today... It feels like every day just bleeds into the next. I just cycle through it all, wake up get kids fed and out the door for school, drive Ryan to his radiation come home take kids to dance, preschool and whatever things needed, get dinner going and feed kids, do homework. Yell at Ryan for not taking it easy and then do laundry, dishes and put kids to bed... rinse, recycle and repeat day after day. With the occasional toss-ins of visits, Physical therapy, additional dr. appointments, grocery shopping and normal functioning things.  Today I did some therapy baking and it was nice. I really enjoyed doing something I like to do lol and add in the company of a friend and it was great. We made cupcakes, cake-pops, chocolate nests with eggs inside and an Easter cereal mix.  While I was cleaning up the kitchen Ryan came over to me for a hug and to make me cry. He told me that he feels bad that he hasn't really acknowledged all that I am doing and he th...

 Today I felt actual happiness, most days I fake it or do my best to compartmentalize it all. But not today, today I got news that we were approved for Medicaid! I cried when we got the news because our other insurance ends on the 31st of this month and I was feeling so stressed about it. Today Ryan had his 10th treatment of radiation and chemo. I am impressed with how well he seems to be doing and although he has hard times, he just pushes through and isn't giving up.  Although I felt happy for a few minutes today I still feel the weight of it all, I know bills will start rolling in soon. I know Ryan isn't going to feel 'better' for a long time if ever. His incision hasn't been able to fully heal and he has some numb spots on his head now and because of the radiation his body doesn't have anything to fight the pain and heal.  I have been thinking about how to really explain how I feel, I have been blown away by the kindness of others and the willingness to reac...

Today I am posting a Q&A blog, Amy and I asked questions some were our own and some were from others that sent them to me. We have had a great weekend so far taking a break from chemo and radiation has been nice and visiting with some friends and family has been amazing. Tomorrow is the beginning of another week of treatment, I am dreading it and I know Ryan is as well. 21 treatments to go. Ryan's random interview by Amy: 1. If animals could talk, which would be the rudest? Crocodiles 2. Is cereal soup? By definition, yes it is.   3. How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant? 6032 4. Would you rather have no nose, or no arms? I would say no nose but a man made plug so I wouldn’t have a hole in my face.  It would be bad. 5. What is your spirit animal? A sled pulling beast - huskie 6. Which sport do you think you will invent next? A racket sport, you could do solo or teams, with a net and large walls.  Have to alternate playing over the net or the wall....

 I love when Ryan posts! I can try and try to explain his thinking but I really cannot convey how strange it sometimes comes out. lol Today Ryan had his ninth treatment of radiation and chemotherapy! Only twenty one more to go, I cannot wait. He weighed in and is 4 pounds down this week and a total of 8 in the days since we started treatment. The Dr's are worried at how fast he is losing weight, and he is being prescribed some THC to help with this and his pain. I am looking forward to him being more willing to actually take something. Fingers crossed.  My car is making crazy noises now, to be honest is has been making strange noises for sometime but today on the way home from radiation a new sound started. I am not surprised, with the kind of luck I have lately I am just grateful that the car didn't explode or something. knock on wood.  I also found out today that our application for medicaid hasn't been worked on due to an internal glitch that when I submitted my paperw...

 Hello again world!  Ryan here once again.  I am back because the misses set the chrome book on my lap and told me i needed to write about how I feel.  I feel like I have a permanent scar that hurts in the 2/3 every moment that I am awake.  It can spike up to a 4/5 range.  Which is also pretty stinky linky.  I have tomorrow to do for my treatments and then I will be one day shy of my 2 weeks of treatment.  Treatments are a-ok.  I see bright purple when my eyes are closed and can smell burning in my left nostril constantly while I am getting zipped.  Constantly.  The smell goes away when they stop zipping me.  I do this for about 15 mins. and then am set to run for the hills The hills is home.  Home is where I spend the vast majority of my time.  I eat breathe and sleep here.  Home is where I have a racing mind all through the night.  I coral my thoughts into just a few basic concepts.  These are ants or...

Am I broken? My youngest is having dental work done under anesthesia right now and I'm in the waiting room. My heart is pounding and tears keep streaming down my face, I feel like I'm having flash backs to waiting for Ryan. I know that is crazy right? I might be in the early stages of a panic attack. It's hard to breathe. I didn't do a proper post on what it was like waiting for Ryan's surgery to be done. Ryan's brother Kyle waited with me, due to covid-19 I wasn't allowed more, they took Ryan at about 7 am and ushered us to the waiting room, we were told it would take 3 to 4 hours and the waiting was excruciating. I couldn't eat or drink most of the whole time we were in the hospital, I just couldn't. We waited and waited and when the time hit 4 hours every minute more felt eternal and I felt more and more panic with every one, 27 minutes later we were told he was in recovery, I cried with relief he made it through.  We were then ushered up to the I...

 Today was an OK day. Nothing super terrible happened (knock on wood).  The day began like normal getting kids ready for school and then heading to take Ryan to Radiation, we made good time and all went according to plan. We made it home and he took a nap, and I spent time with my brother Riley who came to help with my youngest two kids. It was nice, really nice. We then went to another Dr. appointment this time to see his neurologist who said his incision looks good and they want to get another CT Scan to see how things are looking.  A couple interesting thing to note was the Dr asked Ryan how he has been feeling and Ryan said " I feel like a paper airplane, at the beginning of the day I am at my highest but quickly I nose dive to the ground" I loved this analogy, because it is so true.   Another interesting thing is that he said " I feel like a liar, people ask me how I am feeling and I always say 'i'm ok or doing good' but in all honesty I am never doing g...