BYRD on the daily 💙

 I think I have been dragging my feet getting back into writing, I have tried to figure out why that is and I came up with a few reasons: 1. As Ryan is doing well I keep having the thoughts that maybe I was right, maybe this isn't really happening. Maybe he wont die, maybe he will break the cancer cycle.. Maybe this is denial? 2. If I push aside my denial it just hurts. It still hurts so much. It hurts to write it down, to put to paper what is happening, this may just burst my denial bubble.  3. I am busy, school is going again and my driving schedule is crazy and I seem to be able to convince myself quite easily that this doesn't matter, no one cares, no one reads this.  But today I have decided maybe I will want to read it, so for me here I go. We are in the fourth month of Ryan's 6 months of oral chemo, it has been hard. He is coping well with the medicine and frequently I have people tell me and him how great he looks and how he just seems like the 'old' Ryan. F...

While we aren't amidst treatment, I am going to take a break from posting. I need to try to focus on the now and try to have life be normal for awhile. I will pop in and out but it won't be as regular as the past. Thank you for the prayers, support, positive vibes and everything else we really appreciate it all. Love you all

 We made it! Today was the last day of Radiation Treatment and his last Chemo for this round. We have scheduled his MRI for next month and we get to take a few weeks off! We are both so happy!  They were so nice they have him a bottle of bubbly and a certificate of completion ❤️ This is his mask that he wore during treatment, they locked it to the table and marked X's to know where to blast.  Mask on... Pretty creepy 😬 Its been a crazy 30 treatments and some days it felt like it would never end, but here we are. We have his MRI scheduled for the middle of May and hope to see lots of improvement. Because I am trying to be positive today I am just going to end here. I have had a rough few days I haven't been doing well on the emotional side.  And Amy is leaving soon and I am not ok with that. I am afraid of how bad I will fail. What ball I will drop, and how alone I will feel. I hope I can get it together. 

 So many times I just stare at the screen with so much going through my mind and no way to determine where to start or if I should even write what I am thinking, today I am going for it! I am not ok. I don't feel ok. I don't like to pretend that I am ok. Normal isn't the same for me anymore, I thought life last year during the major hit of Covid was the worst, news-flash this is much worse. I am getting 'normal' figured out slowly but surely.  Ryan says 'My Apologies' all the time and never really did before his surgery and finally I about exploded! Either say 'sorry' or don't, but 'my apologies' feels insincere and like he is getting ready to actually give me an apology that never seems to come. So of course I freaked out at him about it, not relenting in my emotional outburst, however following my little freak out I felt immense guilt for a solid 48 hours 😩. Even though we worked out my issue right away it was still hard and between yo...

 Hello!   I am going to give you a rundown of my radiation treatment.  I realize that most people have never even looked into it, let alone laid down for the procedure. My oldest three kids go to the neighbors at 9 a.m. to get a ride to school.  My youngest 2 alternate school.  Boston has school Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and Ava takes her turns on Tuesday and Thursday.  When we drop off Ava @ 9 we take Boston with us to the treatment center.  The drive is roughly 25 minutes from dropping Ava off. The Provo hospital is directly west of the treatment facility.  They do much more there than just irradiate your head where your sneaky body decided to grow a tumor... sneaky body. 9:45 a.m. on Monday through Friday I go into the radiology office.  They main room is a waiting room.  People can get set up with treatments to aid in their cancer removal.  Mine was a nasty tumor.  I really do dislike it.  Left of the receptio...

I go to bed a night just exhausted and the dumb part is that I wake up hours later feeling just as exhausted as when I went to bed. What a dumb outcome of my rest attempt. Today we realized we only have 5 more treatments of Radiation treatments left. Ryan is feeling tired of it, and every day he is nervous that he will wake up with less eyebrows or even less hair follicles, each time we shave it more and more hair is ripped up from the roots. Its crazy for us both to see. We can make it though, it feels so good to have the end of radiation in sight. Time moves slowly and also fast, how is that even a thing? How can I feel like I have forever and also like time is running out. Its such a conflicting feeling and one I don't recommend trying it out as I feel dizzy, confused and frustrated over it all. This really sounds like I am a depressing slug doesn't it? sigh. I just don't feel like I can share this stuff out loud, like I have already used all my verbal downer cards and a...

 Planning for an uncertain future is so strange. I think I have backtracked into the feelings of denial. Ryan is mostly the same guy he was before. He is still goofy, sweet, playful, adventurous, kind, a great father and a loving husband and a great friend. How am I supposed to believe we are on borrowed time when he acts fine. It must be a mistake. All of this. I feel both certain and uncertain. What a mess. We are about to start his final full week of radiation! It feels like we have been doing this forever and also not long at all, because really this is all just a crazy dream.  Since this is just a crazy dream, I have been thinking about things that have been said to me that I could have done without: 1. Do you think god wants this for you, so you can learn from it? 2. You poor thing. 3. Your blog is a bit heavy, maybe you can lighten it up a bit. 4. Maybe Ryan's dad just needs his help on the other side. 5. You choose your trials and this is one of them. There are more th...

Treasure hunts.  This is what my life has become and for the most part I don't mind them.  Every day I wake up and wonder if today is the day that I find the treasure or if it is just something that eludes me. I get to go on these hunts with five amazing treasure hunters as well as three treasure dogs.   The first is big and tries to be so brave.  He hunts alone but at night needs the lights on and something to distract him.  He wants to be so much like his dad.  He wants to share random things (videos, stories, experiments) that he learns or finds with others but mostly his dad.  I watched him bravely say "If you don't have hair, I don't need it either.  Lets shave it."  It wasn't necessary, but a loving gesture to show in his way how much he cared.  I know he is scared but tries not to show it. The second is sensitive and bright.  She wants to run into the hunt even if she doesn't have her lava shoes (Yes, they are real and y...

 Today radiation changed, they are now doing a more intensive round of radiation focusing on the pockets of tumor that have the most active growing cells. I have found that few people understand radiation many thought it was injections or a chemical tablet or liquid medicine... These are all wrong. So to clear it up radiation treatment is basically like a microwave only more localized and instead of doing everything it beams into the specific areas of his brain 'tenderizing' the tumor and cancer cells so that the chemotherapy is more effective. With this happening I don't know if his side effects will be worse or the same, today it feels the same, he did say he couldn't smell it like he had before whether or not that is a fluke only time will tell.  I feel more and more grateful my sister is here every day. I frequently feel like I cannot do this or that and the stress of my feelings of failure feel unsurmountable, yet each day my sister Amy just anticipates my needs an...

 Today has felt rough. Nothing new is happening I am just working on processing what our kids had to say yesterday. I didn't help them or proof read anything, I wanted their organic feelings and I think I got that. I am struggling with it all. We didn't go to radiation treatment today and also don't have chemotherapy tonight, something about needing a day rest so tomorrow they can begin the more intense sessions. I am excited to be on the down slope but also worried about what it will do to Ryan. I guess we will just see. Ryan still has that large sunburned area on his forehead it is looking worse but he said it isn't hurting so I guess we will survive it.  Being in my position is rough, and when I think I am pulling it together and doing my best I realize how short I am falling.  Bridger's message crushed me last night. He feels alone. How do i fix that? I try to talk to him and give him time but clearly I am not doing well enough. He said he wants to know the ...

Preface:  I asked the kids to write their thoughts down about their dad and what we have been going through these last few weeks.  I did not proof read what they wrote. Addison's Blog: Hello world this is Addison. When Dad was having surgery I was scared and sad. I liked Dad's new haircut that he got and he hasn't really changed. Daddy doesn't like candy anymore but he still likes to play games...switch and Xbox S. Daddy can have the light on to see now because it doesn't hurt as much. Daddy can walk now and I really like that and when he leaves to go and do radiation I go to school.   I hope he doesn't die soon. My aunt came over again and brought her dog and I really like when she reads to us at night.  We read a lot of books and we are starting a new one tonight. Mommy made medicine that we take everyday and they have a good taste. I can't wait for school to be done so we can go on a big family vacation for a couple weeks. Bridger's Blog: Hay this is ...

 What a weekend! Our mini van has been on the fritz, clunking and clanging and making crazy noises causing one to question if we would ever arrive at our desired destination on time or in one piece. We had it looked at and the value of the car was less than the amount of work it needed. This has been causing me so much stress. We had wanted to make some plans that would include travel and we were concerned that this wouldn't be a possibility.  With not knowing how much time we will have to travel together as a family, this has been something that has been weighing on me and Ryan.  The kids have also voiced our hopes for the upcoming summer and in wanting to spend time together.  Recently, a very good friend reached out to us and offered to help us get a safer vehicle to use, making these dreams possible. It has been fun to drive different cars and see how excited our kids were to finally sit in our new vehicle.  It weighs on me knowing that I need to find a way ...

Do you ever feel like you walk around carrying a suitcase of baggage? Depending on what is going on in your life your bag can be small or huge but either way its just being pulled along with you.. I feel like this, like everyone can see it all. How vain is that? As if my life or our problems really matter to anyone else. Ryan is in great spirits even though he is in pain and his hair is falling out and the radiation is causing a sunburn effect on his entire forehead he just keeps smiling and cracking jokes. How? How is it possible for him to exude so much goodness in the darkness? I am so lucky he is mine. On our way home from Ryan's radiation appointment he was reading to me ( we have been reading a series of books together, it started when he was in the hospital and it hurt to keep his eyes open so I just read to him) anyway there was this great quote in today's reading "The world never changes, just your perspective of it" It hit home today. I have looked at this a...

Today I just cannot do this. I have nothing inspirational to share or anything of note.  I am tired, and feeling a little low. Hopefully tomorrow I can find the will to share something of substance. 

 When I was little I remember going to the park and playing on the teeter-totter, I loved it. The thrill of going up high and plummeting back down and doing it over and over again as long as possible. My life is now this way up and down all day long, every day. I can feel like I am soaring and then feel the gravity and plummet to the ground but what can I do but push off the ground fighting to get back up? This is the first day Ryan has thrown up, he felt sick yesterday but it passed... today it didn't pass. He has been feeling sick today and it looks like a deep sunburn across his forehead to his left temple, I have never seen redness like this so far, it looks painful. I keep wanting to put something on his head but I am scared too with radiation going on. I hope this passes soon. Its amazing to see how people deal with our situation, some just look at me with sad eyes and offer condolences, some avoid me like my sadness or stress is contagious, some pretend to be my friend just ...

I keep staring at this screen and nothing is coming to mind to write about. How is that possible with so much going on in my mind all the time I cannot think of anything? What a strange thing.  Today I feel grateful to have family to let my kids come play and spend time with cousins. I feel so grateful for neighbors that bring us food and remind us that we are not alone. I feel grateful for friends who reach out and show support. For my sister living with us and keeping my house put together and keep me laughing and smiling. And for my husband that shows he loves me each day. Most of all I am so grateful that I dont have to fake it. So many times in my life I have felt one way and faked like I felt the other. I feel sad that I and so many need to pretend they are ok or that they are living a perfect life. What a waste, I hope to just live everyday true to how I really feel and what I really think. Life really is too short to do anything else. And generally I find people are quite u...

 Easter weekend was busy so I didn't get around to writing. We spent time with both sides of the families having Easter hunts and eating yummy food. It was nice to just do normal stuff, I feel like so many people look at us with pity and make sad faces at us, and while I appreciate the concern for us it starts to feel depressing, so the normal was nice.  Ryan overdid it big time, its not just walking or talking that exhausts him, but even listening to others or sitting upright can really take a toll on him. I feel like I handle him with oven mitts on all the time. I am now a hovering wife that is in a constant state of worry. It was a lot and today he will rest a lot. Today Ryan woke up to find his pillow covered in hair and he had a bald spot on the top. We knew hair loss was a possible side effect but seeing as we are a couple weeks in we thought maybe it wasn't one he would have. Not the case as Ryan examined his head and pinched his hair and clumps came out it really hit ...

 Today was Ryan's 14th radiation treatment. His incision is redder and more inflamed than before, and he said his head feels like its burning. The Dr said that its normal to feel like an intense sunburn feeling and he recommended Aloe.. which seems to do nothing for the pain.  We also went and got him a Medical Marijuana card- studies have shown that cannabis use can help fight cancer cells, help with pain, inflammation, Insomnia, slow the growth of tumors, help with anxiety and depression. We have found that MJ use is the one common denominator between those who last the longest with this condition. So we are going to use all the things available to us.  I have cried a lot, I feel tired of crying and have moved to making jokes or deflecting from the heaviness that is all around me. Tonight however we went to see Les Miserable at Hale Center Theater our brother is in it and got us tickets, it was so incredible! I bawled through the whole thing, each song hitting me differ...

Picture day! I realized that I haven't posted any pictures to go along with these posts. So here are some pictures (not all) to illustrate how things have been going. Huge Tumor Tumor Checked into the hospital waiting for the DR Last night before surgery we cried a lot but Ryan was able to snuggle with me for a little bit Heading to surgery Just out of surgery Incision he was so swollen and draining fluid day after surgery Swollen and miserable 2nd day after surgery Ready to get out of the hospital day 3     Swelling is going down and pain set in Finally tried out the recliner but needed the elephant for head support Trying out this new hat to cover the scar We went to St. George for a weekend at dance competitions First day of Radiation treatment